The passion has died – you and Hubby are just going through the motions. Is it too late to inject some life back into your love?
"The passion has died – you and Hubby are just going through the motions. Is it too late to inject some life back into your love?"
Few moments in life are as defining as when you walk down the aisle and make a solemn vow to cherish the man standing before you “till death do us part”.
But the sad truth is that love doesn’t always prevail, even in the absence of obvious triggers like cheating or domestic violence. Andrew Marshall, a marital therapist in Britain, discovered that 24 per cent of the couples who attended his counselling services identified “I love my partner, but I’m no longer in love/My partner no longer loves me” as a problem causing the most distress in their relationship. This is a key theme in his best-selling book, I Love You, but I’m Not in Love with You, which has sold more than 100,000 copies worldwide in 16 languages, and was republished in January to mark its 10th anniversary.
Despite the occasional difficult patches, the couples Andrew saw had stayed married for years. They cared deeply about their partners, but somehow, they also wanted to end the relationship.
How does one go from envisioning a lifetime of happiness to resolutely wanting to end the union?
Unfortunately, the busyness of everyday life can cause many of us to lose sight of the importance of working at our marriages.
“When couples fail to recognise that it’s normal for passion to fade in a stable long-term relationship, they assume that something is wrong,” says Andrew in a Skype interview with Her World. “Instead of trying to resolve the problems, they decide to end things or find someone else to love.”
Stressed-out and sleep-deprived
This was nearly the case for 35-year-old Sharon*, who found herself falling out of love with her husband six years into marriage. “It was a crazy year as we were juggling the birth of our second child, new jobs, and renovations for our new home. Most of the time, we were so stressed-out and sleep-deprived that we simply let disagreements pile up. It felt like we were becoming increasingly incompatible as the years went by,” she shares.
Unresolved conflicts and a lack of proper communication are the most common reasons why Singapore couples seek counselling, according to Larry Lai, principal counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore. He says: “These couples often face disappointment over unmet emotional needs or marital expectations. When these issues are not dealt with, they breed anger and resentment, resulting in a loss of intimacy and passion.”
Even though Sharon initially wanted a divorce, she and her husband decided to give counselling a go. The sessions helped them to reflect on questions they’d never had time to think about, like how certain issues arose because of their different family backgrounds. They also realised that the lack of couple bonding had taken a toll on their relationship.
Most importantly, they were able to let go of their doubts and guilt, and forgive each other. “My husband wanted the marriage to work as much as I did. Seeing a counsellor helped us understand things from each other’s perspective,” shares Sharon.
When arguing more helps
According to Andrew, anger at your spouse can be a good thing – if you use it in the right way.
No one likes a fight. But telling yourself “it doesn’t matter” and “we’ll agree to disagree”, or walking away from a potential row only serves to bottle up anger temporarily. Over time, feelings get dulled and that’s how you wake up one day to a passionless marriage.
As he puts it in his book, “too few squabbles can be just as bad for relationships as too many”. But before you let it rip with your spouse, it’s important to understand how to manage an argument so that it doesn’t spiral out of control.
First, don’t try to reason when he is sharing his emotions with you. Just listen. Really hear what he has to say and stop trying to rehearse your defence. Ask questions to clarify, and before moving on, check if he needs to say anything more. Also, it’s important to understand how your actions – no matter how small – might have worsened the problem, and to apologise for them.
The last part: Take action. While it may be tempting to jump straight to this stage, trying to come up with solutions before all feelings are out in the open can leave one partner feeling resentful. Talk about what you have both learnt from the fight, if you would do anything differently if similar circumstances come up again, and think of compromises or trade-off s, if the former is not possible.
Ultimately, thinking that your marriage is at the end of the road is a phase that many couples go through. The good news is that it may well just be that – a phase that will pass.
The key lies in not sweeping things under the carpet until it’s too late.
*Name has been changed
IS YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING DOWNHILL?
Marital expert Andrew Marshall shares the classic telltale signs.
❶ You can’t be bothered to speak to your partner, and you think: “What’s the point?”.
❷ Your partner says “Oh, it’s nothing” to a problem that you know exists.
❸ You believe that the problem will magically disappear.
❹ You have sex infrequently.
❺ You have plenty of family time, but almost non-existent couple time.
COUNSELLING SERVICES
●Focus on the Family Singapore: Call 6491-0700, e-mail counseling@family.org.sg or visit www.family.org.sg/marriage.
● Family Service Centres (FSCs): Call the Comcare Hotline at 1800-222-000 or find an FSC near you at www.msf.gov.sg/fsclocator.
● Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre: Call 6788-8220 or e-mail reachus@emcc.org.sg.
5 STEPS TO ENSURING LONG-LASTING INTIMACY
1) Do a love language audit:
Relationship expert Gary Chapman discovered that people give and receive love in diff erent ways, which he categorised into “five love languages”: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch and quality time. Visit http://www.5lovelanguages.com to find out yours and Hubby’s love languages. Then, express your feelings for him in the language he’s most receptive to.
2) Keep a couple tradition going. It can be as simple as a goodbye kiss before work, making a cup of coffee for him at breakfast or sending a midday text to ask about his day.
3) Explore shared interests. Pick up a new language or try a trampoline workout so you’ll have more things to talk about.
4) Be quick to forgive and say sorry when you’ve exchanged harsh words.
5) Take the initiative to make things better by asking yourself “What do I need to do/say diff erently to help him understand me better?”, instead of expecting your partner to change first.
Expert sources: Larry Lai, principal counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore, and Andrew Marshall, a marital expert in Britain and the author of I Love You, but I’m Not in Love with You.
