While we may not all have the luxury of trading sleep for sex like Victoria Beckham, that doesn’t mean we aren’t burning up the sheets. So just how much action are we 146 Her World Feb 2017 getting, and is it enough to keep our marriages alive? Sasha Gonzales finds out.
While we may not all have the luxury of trading sleep for sex like Victoria Beckham, that doesn’t mean we aren’t burning up the sheets. So just how much action are we 146 Her World Feb 2017 getting, and is it enough to keep our marriages alive? Sasha Gonzales finds out.
GOOD SEX = GOOD MARRIAGE?
Is being happy in bed the key to a happy marriage? Ask most relationship experts and they will answer in the affirmative.
“Good sex is very much related to trust, friendship and all aspects of a relationship that create and build emotional connection,” explains Ho Shee Wai, psychologist and director of The Counselling Place. Sex is an expression of the intimacy between a couple, as you can’t get any closer, at least physically, to another person, she adds.
“So if you feel good about your sex life, then you’ll feel good about your relationship in general.” So where does the frequency of sex come in? And does it wane depending on how long you’ve been together? Must you have sex a certain number of times a month for your sex life to be considered “good”? If you have sex more often than your friends, does that make you happier? What’s considered good sex, anyway?
What is good sex?
Shee Wai says good sex reflects your emotional connection with your spouse, and the affection and respect you have for each other.
“If you and/or your husband don’t feel good about the interaction, then you can probably define it as poor-quality sex. But we encourage couples to look at sex more broadly – that means seeing it as encompassing gestures like kissing, hugging, holding hands and snuggling.”
“IF YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE, THEN YOU’LL FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN GENERAL.”
Is there an ideal number?
“We’ve been conditioned to think: the more sex the better. But there are no rules or formulas when it comes to sex frequency,” says Shee Wai.
It’s up to you and your husband to decide how much sex is enough to satisfy you, she adds.
What typically affects a couple’s sex life are factors such as age, lifestyle, sex drive, health and the quality of the relationship. It can also fluctuate depending on the phase of life you’re in, explains Jessica Lamb, a psychotherapist and founder of Relationship Matters, a centre that offers counselling to couples.
“The frequency of sexual intimacy is a very personal thing and fluctuates throughout your life… For instance, many couples who had sex three or four times a week at the start may have sex once or twice a week after a few years as a more secure and comfortable connection develops.
Often, when children come along, a couple’s sex life takes a back seat – it can become harder to prioritise sexual intimacy when one or both partners are tired, stressed or busy with family and work commitments,” says Jessica.
Want more sex? Ask for it
Never compare your sex life to that of your friends, advises Jessica. This will only cause anxiety, confusion and resentment.
If you are unhappy with how often you’re having sex, talk about your needs with your spouse and what sexual intimacy means to each of you.
“The frequency of sexual activity, or lack of it, interferes with your quality of life. It might become a contentious topic in your relationship or affect your ability to be intimate with your partner,” Shee Wai explains.
Approach the subject delicately so it doesn’t come across as you attacking him or placing the blame on him. It’s also important to “find out if your husband is stressed and what’s taking up his energy and attention”, Jessica advises. “If you can help him de-stress or relax, he might be more receptive to sex.”
Dangers of a sexless relationship
“Most sex therapists agree that if you’re having sex less than 10 times a year, your relationship can be labelled ‘sexless’,” says Shee Wai. “But a lack of sex doesn’t always spell trouble for a relationship. What matters is that both of you are satisfied with the frequency. That being said, when couples stop having sex, feelings of anger and disappointment may set in and they may become emotionally detached, which may hurt the marriage in the long run.”
*Names have been changed
We polled married women to find out about the state of their sex lives. Here’s what they said:
NEWLYWEDS FREQUENCY OF SEX:
At least six times a month.
“I’ve been married for just over a year and I can’t keep my hands off my husband. Sex is usually spontaneous for us, and we love trying out new positions. I even have multiple orgasms – things are great!” – Claire*, 32, graphic designer.
“My husband and I are still in the honeymoon phase as we’ve only been married for 18 months. The sex is pretty wild and frequent – on average, we do it thrice a week. This works for us as we’re trying to have a baby.” – Ashley*, 29, civil servant.
“We’ve been married for 2½ years and we make love twice or thrice a week, mostly on weekends. It’s always fulfilling and fun. Sometimes, we even make love a couple of times a night!” – Emily*, 32, finance executive.
MARRIED FOR FIVE TO 10 YEARS FREQUENCY OF SEX:
Three times a month.
“Our sex life is nothing like it was when we were newlyweds. It feels rushed at times, and my husband falls asleep right after; I miss the times when we would talk and cuddle afterwards. If there’s one thing I’m grateful for, it’s that we’re still having sex, unlike most of our friends.” – Laura*, 34, marketing executive.
“We’ve been married for eight years and have no kids, so we are never too tired for sex. We make love twice a week and it’s fairly passionate – we’ve even woken up in the middle of the night just to have sex.” – Bella*, 40, teacher.
“My husband and I are so busy with work and family commitments that we have to schedule sex. We do it once a week, usually on a weekend morning before the kids are up. We always assume the same familiar positions as those are still pleasurable for us. We feel as emotionally connected and in love as ever, and understand that things need not always be as wild as they used to be.” – Rosie*, 37, stay-at-home mum.
MARRIED FOR 11 TO 15 YEARS FREQUENCY OF SEX:
Twice a month.
“My hubby of 14 years enjoys sex and wishes we could do it more often. We’ve slowed down to once or twice a month but that hasn’t affected the way we feel about each other. We love cuddling and kissing in bed, and still hold hands when we’re out.” – Monique*, 44, freelance writer.
“My husband and I have sex more often than my friends and their spouses do. Maybe it’s because we prioritise it. Sex is important to me; I don’t want my sex life to dry up because I can’t manage my time or am too tired to be intimate with my man. My sex life is active and healthy, and I’m proud of it.” – Chloe*, 37, purchaser.
“With four young children, it’s not easy finding the time or energy for sex, but my husband and I still manage to be intimate about two or three times a month. This is usually when the kids are asleep or at their grandparents’ place on Sundays, and my hubby and I have some time to ourselves. It’s the only opportunity for us to spend quality time together and rekindle our bond. Sometimes, one of us might want it more often and the other obliges. But usually, our sex drives are very much in sync.” – Tanya*, 41, journalist.
MARRIED FOR 16 TO 20 YEARS FREQUENCY OF SEX:
Four times a month
“Now that our children are in their early teens and my husband and I no longer work crazy hours, we are having more sex. For a while, we only did it about twice a month; now it’s four or five times a month. And the sex is more fulfilling than ever as we are very much in tune with each other’s hearts and bodies after 17 years of marriage.” – Rebecca*, 44, stay-at-home mum.
“My husband and I make love once a week, and that works just fine for us. We’re not as stressed as we used to be, so when we have sex, it’s usually slow, intimate and relaxed.” – Charmaine*, 44, lawyer.
“Even after 17 years of marriage, my hubby and I still can’t get enough of each other. We can’t go a week without having sex. Even with our busy schedules, and having two kids and a helper living with us, we still find time to be intimate.” – Julia*, 42, artist.
“After 17 years of marriage, sex just isn’t as important to us as it once was. And we both travel a lot for work, so we don’t have much of a sex life. But there’s no pressure to have sex more than six times a year, and I don’t feel it has affected our feelings for each other. We still share an emotional closeness and talk to each other about everything.” – Katarina*, 42, interior designer.
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