Be Your Own Marriage Counsellor

Strengthening and repairing the bonds with your husband doesn’t have to involve grand gestures.

"Even something as simple as noticing your spouse needs a new tube of toothpaste, and replacing it, makes them feel loved and appreciated."

The simple things can make a big difference in a relationship, like a world of appreciation, a touch of the hand, truly listening to your partner’s concerns or making time for fun. Here, we look at what you can do to strengthen the bond with your husband, and keep your marriage exciting and fresh.

Don’t play the blame game.

When something is bothering you, don’t begin a conversation by pointing the finger at your husband and reeling off a list of complaints. Instead of saying ‘you always do this’ or ‘you never do that’ make an ‘I’ statement such as, ‘I feel this’ or ‘I think that’. When you aren’t pointing the finger and your husband doesn’t feel threatened, he is more likely to listen and be open to what you are saying.

Schedule in some fun.

Play is important for the healthy emotional development of a relationship. “If you can have fun together you build resilience to support each other in hard times,” says psychologist and relationship counsellor Guy Vicars. “If you only talk about problems, you’ll want to get away from each other.”

So be spontaneous. Go for an early morning swim at the beach together, take an afternoon off work and sit in the back row at the movies, or cuddle up on the couch and watch a favourite TV programme together. Do the things you did together when you first fell in love.

Don’t expect your husband to change too much (he probably won’t).

A couch potato who prefers curling up to watch the newest Blu-ray movie is never going to share your enthusiasm for early morning bootcamp. Someone who is shy and prefers their own company won’t become a party animal. Don’t expect your partner to completely mirror and share your interests, values and habits. “People can’t change, even if they try,” says psychologist Andrew Christensen. “To love and marry someone you must accept the essence of the other person. You can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core.”

Treat your husband like a good friend.

How do you nurture your friendships? Probably by being polite and respectful, being a good listener and showing your friends they are valued. Your partner needs the same kind of care and commitment.

“Don’t put love and friendship on the backburner just because you’re married and life has gotten busier,” says psychologist Dr Huang Wei-Jen. We choose our spouses because we want them to listen to us, feel our pain and celebrate happy moments with us, so continue to be there for your other half throughout marriage.”

Make quality time for each other.

In the honeymoon stage of our relationship we put plenty of credit in the relationship bank – we spend time together and do little things that show our partners how much we care. But over time we keep making withdrawals – every time we fight and criticise each other, or make other things in life a priority, our relationship bank account becomes depleted.

Make deposits in your relationship bank by making time for each other every day, even if it’s just five minutes, says Dr Huang. Find out what your husband has done that day, check how he is feeling about the day, and ask if there’s anything you can do to make his life a little easier right at that moment.

Keep sex and touch on the agenda.

Regular sex and mixing things up a little maintains passion. US research shows passion is higher for couples who have sex frequently, and try different things in the bedroom.

Non-sexual touch also keeps you connected to each other. “Human beings are wired to respond to touch, and we crave it in order to feel loved. If a wife is under postnatal stress, and her husband is willing to give her a massage, she feels loved and supported,” says Dr Huang. “Aim to give each other a 15-minute massage up to three times a day.”

Find ways to surprise.

It’s easy to fall into a routine and for a relationship to become monotonous. Stir up some joy and love, and break the routine.

Take them breakfast in bed, cook a candlelit dinner, buy tickets to a concert they want to see, or just call them at work and tell them how much they mean to you.

Take Turns to Listen.

When you need to discuss more serious issues, take turns to say what you think and feel, and make sure each of you knows you will have an opportunity to speak.

“If someone thinks they aren’t going to get a chance to speak, they get anxious and go on the attack,” says Guy. “At the beginning of a heavy conversation, say, ‘I’m going to get five minutes and then you can have five minutes.’ And limit yourselves to five or 10 minutes – going on and on about an issue can turn people off.”

Go softly, softly during conflict.

Conflict is inevitable, but when it arises, bite your tongue and proceed with caution. Don’t begin with critical, sharp comments that make your partner feel demoralised or angry. Instead, offer solutions and focus on what you’d like to be different. “Focus on your spouse, and ask what you can do to make your husband feel one per cent better. It may only be a small change that makes a big difference; if you take the initiative to ask, your spouse will still feel like he is still important in your life,” Dr Huang advises.

Show Appreciation.

Don’t underestimate the appeal of appreciation: A simple thank you goes a long way. “Even if your partner doesn’t acknowledge your helpful gestures, just keep making them. Even something as simple as noticing your spouse needs a new tube of toothpaste, and replacing it, makes them feel loved and appreciated,” says Dr Huang.

Give compliments and plenty of them.

If you make a criticism, surround it with seven compliments. Happy couples constantly give each other compliments, observes Dr Huang. So, when they do need to make a criticism, it’s not felt as a wound or personal attack by their partner because that person knows they are loved and valued. They can listen and take the feedback without getting defensive.

Have an affair with each other.

What makes an affair exciting? It’s the teasing and flirting, a touch that lasts just a little longer than it should, or a suggestive glance. “There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drives up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical which, in turn, creates anticipation, excitement and focus on the beloved,” says psychologist Dr Diana Kirschner.

“Infatuation sizzles. So, get into that same frame of mind with your partner,” she adds. Make the most of small, sensual gestures that don’t need to go anywhere there and then, but that may indicate pleasures to come. W

TEXT: SARAH MARINOS/BAUERSYNDICATION.COM.AU / ADDITIONAL REPORTING: LISA TWANG / PHOTO: 123RF.COM.