If you’re easily embarrassed, are too shy to speak up or panic when the spotlight is on you, KAYCE TEO has asked these experts for tips on developing a thicker hide.
If you’re easily embarrassed, are too shy to speak up or panic when the spotlight is on you, KAYCE TEO has asked these experts for tips on developing a thicker hide.
You know that hot flush you feel creeping up your neck when you receive criticism, or when you find yourself panicking at the thought of speaking your mind? It’s entirely normal.
“We are wired to stay in our comfort zone, so we shy away from unfamiliar situations or potential conflict,” says Lim Han Ee, mindfulness psychologist of Emerge Performance and a certified life coach.
The good news? You can develop a thicker hide, so to speak, to help you cope with difficult situations. Here’s how.
Tell yourself it’s okay
When you’re faced with several negative feelings at the same time – embarrassment, anger, confusion – first take a deep breath to give yourself time to sort out and understand your emotions. “If you feel uncomfortable, for example, the best thing to do is to acknowledge that it is okay to feel this way,” says Han Ee. You can also use the time to decide on the best way to respond in a mature way.
Take 10 mental steps back
Try to be objective. Is it really a personal attack on you or is it simply criticism aimed at the issue at hand? Ask yourself if the person expressing disapproval behaves this way with you, or with everyone else. She may simply not be a very effective communicator.
Think about why you should speak up
Kenneth says you should focus on what you want to achieve when you do speak your mind. Does the situation affect you adversely? For example, you have noisy neighbours who are affecting your child’s rest, but you feel uncomfortable about approaching them as you don’t want to be seen as an overprotective parent.
“Give a context and reasons to let the person you are confronting know why you feel that way,” says Kenneth. “The less selfish the reasons, the more open the person will be to receiving feedback.”
Han Ee agrees. “Whether it’s telling your colleague to show up on time or asking them to stop making inappropriate remarks, you need to make clear what you expect and what you won’t tolerate.”
Be sincere, respectful and direct
“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” emphasises Han Ee. “You can admit to the person that you are nervous yet want to be respectful. Phrase what you want to say as a request – it’s a non-confrontational approach, so the person on the receiving end is unlikely to retaliate as they have not been provoked.” This is especially useful in a professional setting, like at work, when you are in an uncomfortable situation with your co-worker or boss, and want to put your point across.
Form a rapport
Building rapport helps you form a positive relationship with the person, so they will likely be more willing to listen to you, says Kenneth. Bridging the gap works both ways – it allows you to see the person in a more friendly light, which means you will be less likely to take offence at what the person says, because the statement is delivered in a more positive environment.
Be brave
It is natural to be afraid of negative feelings like embarrassment, confusion, anger, sadness and rejection. “Fear is a protective mechanism, but you should not let it dictate your response and behaviour,” says Han Ee. “Acknowledging your fears and inviting the person who is causing these feelings to have an open discussion with you is breeding courage.”
Try role-playing
Kenneth recommends joining a club like Toastmasters International, a non-pro fit organisation that teaches public speaking and leadership skills. “They put you in different scenarios to help you think on your feet,” he adds. This role-playing pushes you out of your comfort zone.
REAL-LIFE INSPIRATION WOMEN TELL US WHAT THEY DO WHEN FACED WITH A DIFFICULT SITUATION.
“I try to keep a straight face even when that panic monster within me is rising – this helps me calm down. I also remind myself to look on the brighter side of things. Sometimes, I’ll do imaginary role-play and run through different scenarios in my mind.” – Wu Ying Ying, 28, regional head of communications
“I take deep breaths to calm myself and think objectively about whether what is said is reasonable. If I still have issues, I will ask the person firmly to clarify what was said.” – Aries Ong, 30, senior manager
“I tell myself that other people’s opinions don’t matter, and not to take the criticism personally. I also practise selective listening, so I take only the parts which I think make sense into consideration.” – Jo Upcraft, 40, contributing editor
