Public relations consultant and mum of two, Ruth Chew, 38, enjoys a strong relationship with her helper, Ligaya Fenequito (Joy), 41. She shares how the pair became so close.
Public relations consultant and mum of two, Ruth Chew, 38, enjoys a strong relationship with her helper, Ligaya Fenequito (Joy), 41. She shares how the pair became so close.
“Joy started working for my family in May 2010. The first time we met, she impressed me with her friendliness, openness and mindfulness. My elder daughter, who was then 15 months old, took to Joy immediately. By the time we got home, I felt that we’d all forged a really good connection.”
Like One of the Family
“My husband and I trust Joy with looking after our two children, now seven and two and a half years old, but she has done far more than that.
“It may seem surprising to outsiders, but we really treasure our helper and consider her a part of our family. I think the secret to our great relationship is, simply, good and honest communication. Joy also respects the roles my husband and I have, and she understands her role.
“As practically one of the family, Joy is involved in a lot of our activities. For instance, in November 2010, we took her on holiday with us to Club Med, Bintan.
“My husband was about to head overseas to work for six months, and I knew that during his absence, Joy would have to look after my daughter and miss out on a few days off. So we planned the Bintan trip as a fun escape beforehand. Since that trip, she has travelled with us to Hong Kong, Phuket, Bali and Penang.
“Joy is also a regular at dinners with our extended family. She’s dined with us at the Ritz-Carlton and Conrad hotels, Tung Lok, and other restaurants. She always sits with us at the table and orders her own meal. When my husband and I decide to eat out instead of at home, Joy joins us, too. In fact, she now has her own list of favourite hotel buffets and Japanese ramen spots!
“My extended family adores Joy and treats her like one of the family, too. They all get along very well.”
When the Stress Gets Too Much
“In 2013, my husband developed a brain infection and experienced seizures. Joy was home the two times this happened, and I think both incidents, including the emergency rush to the hospital, affected her emotionally.
“We decided that she needed a break, so, on the advice of our domestic employment agent, we gave her a week off. The agency made arrangements for Joy to spend time with her two sisters, who also work in Singapore.
“My husband has now recovered, although he still takes medication – and Joy is in charge of putting the pills in his pillboxes.”
Being a Boss and Friend “People may say that it’s not easy being friends with your helper when she lives with you. After all, there will be times when you have to be her boss and not her friend. I think the trick to juggling both roles is good communication, and mutual respect and understanding.
“Joy and I laugh and joke with each other all the time, but we also give each other personal space. She has her way of doing things – including cleaning – but I respect that, and likewise, she understands that I have my own way of doing things around the house.
“If your helper knows you well, she would already know before she does something if it’s wrong or not, and if you’d be happy with it or not. If she still goes ahead and does it anyway, then there must be a compelling reason, and your job is to find out what that is, and then to look for the best solution.
“The only thing I don’t really like is Joy spoiling my younger daughter, Elysia-Jane. She was born premature, and when I was recovering in hospital, Joy made sure that things at home ran smoothly – she went grocery shopping with my parents and took my elder daughter to school.
“Then, when Elysia-Jane was discharged from hospital, Joy took extra care of her, with our confinement nanny. So, I can understand her deep attachment to her.”
Trust Issues
“I trust Joy a great deal, but not 100 per cent – I don’t trust anybody 100 per cent. “The way to make sure everything is okay with your helper is to check in with her constantly. Ask her how she is, ask her how her family is, and ask her what she needs.
“The more you know, the more you’ll understand why she does the things she does. That’s how I ‘keep tabs’ on Joy – I check in with her regularly and make sure that she’s happy and well taken care of.” SH
“She has her way of doing things – including cleaning – but I respect that, and likewise, she understands that I have my own way of doing things around the house.”
4 WAYS TO MAKE IT WORK
Ruth shares her top tips for making your relationship withmaking your relationship with your helper a success.
1 Communication is important. “Be fair and objective, and keep the lines of communication open. Even if there’s a language barrier, at least try to communicate with her. After all, she lives in your house, cooks and cleans for you and looks after your loved ones.”
2 Treat her with respect. “Your helper is not your servant, or someone you ‘own’. She needs to sleep, eat, drink, and have personal time and space just like you do. Would you work non-stop, 365 days a year? Nobody would. You also wouldn’t like it if you had to go without speaking to your family and friends for months at a stretch, so don’t take such rights away from your helper.”
3 Explain the rules and set boundaries. “Giving your helper time off is good, but you have to lay down the rules. Make it clear that there will be no funny business, or you will have to send her home and find another more responsible helper.”
4 Just be kind. “I’ve found that being kind and understanding is the first step to establishing a strong relationship with your helper. My husband and I try to help Joy in smalll ways whenever we can. For instance, if she needs to send money home to her elderly mum, we'll give her a lift to Lucky Plaza on a weekday so that she won't have to watse half her Sunday waiting in line at the remittance agency.
Photography Vernon Wong / Art Direction Ann Neo / Stylist Angela Chu / Hair & Makeup Jane Lau/Palette Inc, using La Biosthetique Joy’s / Outfit: Top & Jeans Gap / Pumps Pedder Red / Children’s Outfits: Top, Skirt & Dress Gap / Shoes Mothercare / Ruth’s Outfit Ruth’s Own.
