We’re all freaks – so don’t freak out!

Weird sounds or liquids? It’s normal, promise. Clinical sexologist Dr Martha Tara Lee explains all the embarrassing things that happen to our bodies when we’re trying to get jiggy.

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Weird sounds or liquids? It’s normal, promise. Clinical sexologist Dr Martha Tara Lee explains all the embarrassing things that happen to our bodies when we’re trying to get jiggy. 
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No matter how careful you are, the act of undressing to make love to a new partner is very rarely like it is in the movies. Your body will always go out of its way to try to embarrass you. Even if you’ve got the mood lighting and background music just right, there’s nothing like finding a little crumpled bit of toilet paper on your lady bits or a long strand of hair in your butt crack to bring you crashing back to reality. 

And that’s just the beginning. Because during sex, we have to let go, and when we let go, anything can happen. 

The embarrassing noises 

What happens when you breathe out and lift your leg in the air during yoga class? Farts. Chances are, if you’re manipulating your body in ways that shake up your bowl and stretch your sphincter, you are naturally going to fart during sex. 

You can try to mask the sound with a loud moan, or by squeaking your heel along the sheet of the bed (with enough force, it can sound fart-like), but if the smell threatens to give you away, defuse the situation by kissing your partner, or pulling out your sexiest signature move. The idea being that when your man thinks about your love- making session, his mind goes straight to that orgasmic moment, and not your fart.

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No, I’m talking about the really embarrassing noises

Oh, you mean a queef, aka the snort of the nether regions? It might sound like a fart, but it’s simply air that has been trapped in the vagina being squeezed out. Queefs are common sex noises, because the penetration can push air up into the vagina, which is of course a dead end, so the air has to escape where it entered. 

Dr Martha Tara Lee, clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, says there’s no point in getting worked up over a little queef. “This is something completely natural. Be cool about it. Laugh it off. It happens to all of us.” 

The embarrassing words that come out of your mouth 

Rather than being lost in the moment, some women become lost in their own thoughts during sex. You start seeing flashes of exes, your boss and the local coffee shop guy. The worst is when you shout out the wrong name, or worse, start talking about something unrelated (“The client wants it by midday!”). 

Dr Martha says this happens when people struggle to disconnect from work. She suggests a ritual of getting work out of your system, like leaving a to-do list at work, and changing out of your work clothes when you reach home. 

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The embarrassing liquids 

Semen  As we said above, the vagina is a dead end. If you’re not using a condom, and a man ejaculates inside you, the semen is going to have to come out the same way it went in. 

Sometimes, this will happen on the toilet after sex (you must go to the toilet after sex – you’ll only need to have a urinary tract infection once to know that!). Sometimes, more of it will trickle out later when you’re in bed. But sometimes, you’ll be walking around the next day when – whoosh – you wet your pants. If you’re not yet comfortable with laughing it off with an, “oops there goes last night’s semen”, wear a mini pad and pack a spare pair of underpants. 

Female Ejaculation 

You’re not (usually) peeing yourself ! Consider yourself lucky if you’re a particularly moist woman – you’ll never have to break for lube! 

A small fraction of women will find their bodies squirt out lubricant, or ejaculate, when they are aroused, and this can be slightly alarming the first time… for you. You’ll probably find your partner incredibly stoked! Own your talent. 

Dr Martha explains: “Female ejaculation is not a myth. We have a bladder and paraurethral glands, both of which can and often do contain fluids. When we put pressure on those areas or the areas surrounding them, that fluid sometimes squirts out. Not all women ejaculate, and even for those who do, most do not ejaculate all the time.” 

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