You could be the victim of gaslighting, and not even realise it.
You could be the victim of gaslighting, and not even realise it.
You expect the person you’re closest to – whether a best friend or boyfriend – to be someone you can trust; someone who will look out for you and have your best interests at heart. But what if they don’t? What if you trust this person so much, that when they say you’re wrong, you believe them?
It’s a feeling of being unbalanced. You’re losing confidence in your opinions and you have a nagging sense that something is wrong... but you can’t put your finger on it.
All these feelings describe gaslighting – when your personality is subtly stripped away until you can’t tell what is true or false anymore.
The term began way back in 1938, with a British play called Gaslight. In the story, a man tries to convince his wife that she is mentally unstable – he does things like hiding objects around the house and blaming her. Or he ignores noises and says she must be hearing things.
It turns out the wife is completely sane – her husband had secretly murdered their neighbour and is trying to trick her into ignoring clues that point to his crime.
So today, psychologists define the term “gaslighting” as “the systematic attempt by one person to erode another person’s reality.”
Gaslighting can happen in any type of relat ionship – it can be your colleague, your friend, or even a family member. The important thing is that you trust this person’s opinions... and that’s why they hurt so much.
That sinking feeling
In her book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, Dr Robin Stern describes gaslighting in three stages, starting with disbelief, then defense and finally depression. “During this first stage, things can happen between you two that seem odd to you,” she writes. These are usually simple disagreements that you can brush off as inconsequential – at first, anyway.
In the next stage, you defend yourself and fight back, but you are likely to be dismissed. In an article for Psychology Today, Dr Robin gives this example: “You tell your boss you’re unhappy with assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments. You ask him why this is happening? Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you you are too sensitive and stressed. Maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but that doesn’t answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments.”
“I had a co-worker who would tell me with absolute confidence that everything I was doing was wrong, even though he was far less experienced than me.”
In the final stage, you’re constantly trying to conform to the other person’s wishes. You are possibly also feeling cut off from friends, because people who gaslight like to keep you isolated so you cannot benefit from alternative opinions.
But what’s really scary is you end up blaming yourself for your feelings of confusion, not the other person. “The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality. You are confused and uncertain of what you think, because you have allowed another person to define reality and tell you what you think, what you like – and who you are,” says Dr Robin.
All relationships require a little bit of compromise and constructive criticism to survive. That’s how we learn and grow. However, when someone is gaslighting you, it’s more about them forcing their reality on you. Ultimately, it means they don’t respect you, and they override what you feel is important.
“I had a co-worker who would tell me with absolute confidence that everything I was doing was wrong, even though he was far less experienced than me,” says Kelly, 29. “He made sure to do it loudly, in front of everyone in the office and then he’d say he’d already fixed the issue so I couldn’t even check if there was an error or not. I started to really doubt myself. It got so bad that I couldn’t focus on doing my job anymore, and eventually I left the company.”
Reality bites
Sometimes, the person doing the gaslighting isn’t even doing it to hurt you. “It often occurs when a person is generally uncompromising. They have a very strong sense of their reality being the right one,” says Anoushka Beh, Director of Abehpsych Counselling Services Singapore. “Usually, it’s someone quite rigid who lacks empathy. They’re not willing to step into someone else’s shoes or prioritise someone else’s needs.
“In contrast, the person being gaslighted tends to be very empathetic. They downplay their own needs. Often, they make excuses for the other person’s behaviour. They also have a strong committment to making the relationship work and they are willing to compromise and try,” explains Anoushka.
So you might start by brushing off their remarks as “constructive criticism”, but your constant compromsing leads to what psychologists call “a loss of self.” You’re unhappy, but don’t know why. In fact, you don’t know what you think or feel anymore.
“What’s really the problem is the general destabilisation that comes with this kind of endless criticism,” says Anoushka. “Constructive criticism doesn’t knock the confidence out of you in every area of your life. It helps you grow and gain awareness that you didn’t have before.”
Sometimes, the person doing the gaslighting isn’t even doing it to hurt you.
A vicious cycle
A victim of gaslighting can even become the instigator in their next relationship – they look back on their past and decide they don’t want to be a victim again.
“When a person feels he or she gave up too much in the past – and hasn’t really dealt with it – the person may be too rigid in new relationships,” says Anoushka.
While it’s possible to salvage a relationship with someone who’s gaslighting you, it takes work from both sides. And that can be a tall order, because people who gaslight find it difficult to compromise and accept other points of view.
So at the end of the day, if the person you’re with makes you feel like you’re crazy, insecure and unlike yourself, you may have to put some distance between you. And yes, that can sometimes mean changing jobs or leaving the relationship.
How to define your own limits
Putting gaslighting behind you comes down to understanding yourself better. “It’s about having a strong sense of what you are OK with, and what you aren’t. The only way to have a clear sense or internal guide about situations is to do a review, even before you’re in that situation. Ask yourself, what are my boundaries in a relationship? Am I OK with this? What am I not OK with?” says Anoushka. Instinctively (and with experience), you will come to know your personal limits.
Take an issue like infidelity – what’s your opinion? And does it differ from your partner’s? You need to know where you stand before you enter into a relationship. So if something comes up, you’ll have some help in deciding if you feel disrespected. “Of course, we all evolve with our relationships, but you still need to decide where the grey lines are... and where you personally draw the line,” says Anoushka.
In the interim, it’s good to have a network you can trust. If pretty much all your good friends dislike your boyfriend, do they have valid reasons? If your whole life revolves around what your friend likes to do because he or she always knows best, is this a situation you want to be in?
So when you feel something’s not right, trust your instincts. The best person to tell you who you really are, is you.
10 ways to know if you’re being gaslighted*
While some of these might seem minor, remember it’s all about escalation and how the situation makes you feel.
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You’re always apologising.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for that person’s behaviour to friends and family.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right and are never “good enough.”
*Adapted from Dr Robin Stern’s book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
Images 123RF.com. *Name has been changed.
