That whole idea that a woman needs to act like a man to get ahead is so passe. But even so, many women can’t help but feel like they don’t deserve to be where they are. Here’s how to level up your confidence.
That whole idea that a woman needs to act like a man to get ahead is so passe. But even so, many women can’t help but feel like they don’t deserve to be where they are. Here’s how to level up your confidence.
I’m good enough (aren’t I?)
Sometimes, no matter how much hard work you’ve put in to get to where you are, you still end up feeling like you don’t deserve to be there. It’s not an uncommon feeling – women as successful as Tina Fey and Emma Watson have confessed to feeling as if they didn’t deserve their success.
“Feeling like an imposter” or thinking that you “got lucky” is a common trait, especially among women. While that isn’t to say that men don’t feel it too, women are definitely held to a higher standard of perfection (whether in looks or work or life) and so naturally, it can feel like you’re always one step away from failing.
But it’s time to stop being our own worst enemies and work towards overcoming that feeling. Because at the end of the day, you are where you are because you deserve to be there.
Are you thinking big enough?
While we’ve worked hard to get more equality and exposure in the workplace, the fact is, men approach jobs in very different ways than women. A Hewlett Packard report that is often quoted in books about women in the workplace gives this statistic to prove it: generally, men apply for a job when they meet only 60 percent of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100 percent of them.
In her seminal book Lean In, which highlighted problems women often face in the workplace, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook Sheryl Sandberg describes instances where she too felt inadequate in the workplace and attributes it to a larger issue. “For women, feeling like a fraud is a symptom of a greater problem. We consistently underestimate ourselves. Multiple studies in multiple industries show that women often judge their own performance as worse than it actually is, while men judge their own performance as better that it actually is.”
Possibly as a result of this, we don’t always ask for what we deserve, and this isn’t limited to women just starting out. A study released in March by the NUS Business School showed that female directors are earning just 56.8 percent of what their male colleagues are making on average in companies listed on the Singapore Exchange.
In partnership with management consulting firm McKinsey & Company, Sheryl’s organisation LeanIn.Org conducted Women in the Workplace 2016, a study that focused on women in corporate America. It revealed that while many women might start at the same place as men, many of them do not progress as far or as fast. It’s not all bad, though – another interesting discovery was that women negotiate and ask for feedback just as much as men, which shows that despite everything working against us, we are still willing to give it a go. Clearly we want to be there just as much as any man, so it’s a case of reminding yourself you deserve it too.
“For women, feeling like a fraud is a symptom of a greater problem. We consistently underestimate ourselves. Multiple studies in multiple industries show that women often judge their own performance as worse than it actually is, while men judge their own performance as better that it actually is.” Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook and founder of LeanIn.Org
Getting over those false fraud feelings
Helen Duce, co-founder of the Lean In Singapore Chapter, says that one way to overcome feeling like you don’t deserve to be there, is to recognise you’re not alone. “You might feel this way but so does pretty much everyone else. So it’s not just you,” says Helen. She uses this example: “If you’ve ever interviewed for a job, or been the interviewer, you’ll realise that the person interviewing is just as nervous about being caught out as the interviewee.”
According to Helen, who has studied at the Empowerment Institute of America, one way to get over your (inaccurate) feelings of inadequacy is to create powerful affirmation statements like “I know enough and I have enough experience and knowledge to do this” and visualise yourself using these skills. “It has to be a strong enough statement that you believe in it, but something tangible enough so that it has real energy,” she adds. This technique is part of empowerment training, which focuses on three main points: giving yourself the power to make change, providing yourself with the tools to do it, and then putting awareness into action.
Another technique from Sheryl Sandberg is to fake it till you make it – literally. “Research backs up this ‘fake it till you feel it’ strategy. One study found that when people assumed a high-power pose (for example, taking up space by spreading their limbs) for just two minutes, their dominance hormone levels (testosterone) went up and their stress hormone levels (cortisol) went down. As a result, they felt more powerful and in charge and showed a greater tolerance for risk.”
Mentors and support networks are other avenues for you to regain your confidence. Part of Lean In’s philosophy is to create Circles, groups of women who can rely on each other for professional advice and who can affirm each other’s strengths. It’s also worth cultivating a group of trusted colleagues who can boost your confidence by reminding you of your skills, or highlighting positive reviews you’ve had in the past, particularly before a scary situation.
At the end of the day, feelings of inadequacy shouldn’t stop you from being ambitious. As Sheryl writes in Lean In, “I also know that in order to continue to grow and challenge myself, I have to believe in my own abilities. I still face situations that I fear are beyond my capabilities. I still have days when I feel like a fraud. And I still sometimes find myself spoken over and discounted while men sitting next to me are not. But now I know how to take a deep breath and keep my hand up. I have learned to sit at the table.” And we should all be sitting at the table.
Prove yourself at work
Women and men deal with work differently, so don’t employ the same strategies as them when it comes to the office. Here are a few tried and tested ways to get yourself heard, based on research by Joan C. Williams, co-author of What Works for Women at Work: Four Patterns Working Women Need to Know.
Don’t hold yourself back
Even if you feel like a fraud, take a minute to step back and remember how you got here. It was hard work and you deserve to be where you are.
Ask others to take a second look
If you see double standards being applied to a colleague (or to yourself), put in place specific standards for performance evaluation. Ask managers to explain the reasons for their evaluations and hold them accountable for their decisions.
Keep real-time records
Maintain a regular log of objectives you’ve met and compliments you’ve received on your work. It sounds cheesy but these will be useful in the long run to highlight your accomplishments and remind people (especially when it comes to performance review time).
Form a posse
Your colleagues can be instrumental in reminding others that you are very good at what you do. Whenever someone interrupts you at a meeting, or you see it being done to another colleague, don’t do nothing.
Call out stolen ideas
When a coworker steals ideas (which happens more often than you’d think), remind the group who came up with the idea first. If someone takes your idea, speak up for yourself by saying “Thanks for picking up on that idea. Here are my thoughts...” then add something new.
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