Dear Mum...

We don’t tell our mums we love them as often as we should. Or that we’re grateful for all the things they do for us. Maybe we’re too busy, or too Asian, or there’s simply never a good time. Whatever the case, we’ve asked 12 women to put it all down in writing. And trust us, it will give you the feels.

Portrait of Tammy Strobel
We don’t tell our mums we love them as often as we should. Or that we’re grateful for all the things they do for us. Maybe we’re too busy, or too Asian, or there’s simply never a good time. Whatever the case, we’ve asked 12 women to put it all down in writing. And trust us, it will give you the feels.
 
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“She refused to let my sadness swallow me whole” “You are my sandpaper – a tough-love kind of mum who shaped me into a better person. You don’t bother with sweet talk. You show me that you care by screaming at me to ensure I have my juice, milk and eggs, as well as calling me lO times to ask if I want to have tea.

Thank you for always pulling me out of deep wells that I fell into – like when I was going through my divorce. I was so ‘emo’, but you would scream at me to make sure I ate my meals. And you would talk and talk so I would not sink back into my depressed state. You even took care of my daughter so I could go back to work. You told me this was a learning journey, and that I needed to get up and move on. At that time, I felt you were being insensitive, but looking back now, I realise what you were trying to do. If you had let me wallow, I would have drowned in my sorrow and never found a way out.” – Sha Shamsi, 47 
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Clockwise from top left: Freaky Friday, Hairspray, Stepmom, and Mamma Mia! A moving motherdaughter relationship doesn’t exist just in films.
 
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“Thanks, Mum, for always putting us first”

“You let me crash your work trip to Seoul because you knew I was going through a rough time. One evening, you were craving fried chicken but knew I was not keen on it. Instead of looking for a restaurant that served the dish, you pretended you wanted something else. Later that night we visited a 7-Eleven store, and you bought a few sticks of fried chicken for yourself. Only then did I realise that you had changed your mind to accommodate me.

It’s the little things like these which show me that you always put us first. Whenever you travel for work, you always call home to ask if we’d like anything. Like when you Facetimed my sister and me from Japan to ask which sneakers we’d been eyeing so you could buy them for us. Even though you work such long hours, you still cook our favourite meals on weekends and make time for family outings and trips.

I know it’s not easy dealing with me (I lost your designer wallet at 18, your diamond earrings at 20, and I still talk back to you all the time), but thank you for giving me a good life. I can’t imagine not having you in it.” – Sylvia Chee, 27 
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“You told me I should never let other people put me down”

“When I was a fresh graduate some years ago, I was ready to go out and conquer the world. But at one of the first job interviews I had, the interviewers made me feel like I should never have applied in the first place. You were waiting for me outside the office, and knew immediately from the look on my face that it hadn’t gone well. You hugged me and told me it’s never easy finding a job when you’re starting out, but getting back out there after a failure was what mattered most. You told me never to allow others to put me down and make me feel bad about myself. That stuck with me, and I learnt never to allow what others say or think about me affect me. Thank you for always having my back, and for your unfailing love. I love you.” - Amanda Ho, 36

“The five life lessons Mum taught me”

“It’s been a steep learning curve since I moved into my own flat in London almost half a year ago. But these are a few things moving out has taught me:

1 Taking care of the house is a thankless job. I’m sorry I didn’t thank you enough growing up.

2 You make cooking dhaal seem a lot easier than it actually is.

3 One day, I hope to read to my children before bed – just the way you did.

4 Sometimes I am too tired to fix myself a proper meal, so I just have bread. You’ve nourished our family of seven for more than three decades. I still don’t know how you did it.

5 You were right about my chocolatecoloured lipstick. It looks terrible on me.” – Muslihah Albakri, 25
 
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“One day, my mum might not remember my name”

“‘Woolly-Woolly’ - that’s a phrase we jokingly use in our family when one of us forgets a name, an appointment, or can’t find our phone or keys. For you, the frequency of these ‘woolly-woolly’ moments seemed to increase about lO years ago. You were in your early 8Os then. Since we lived together and I saw you every day, I didn’t notice the changes in you until my siblings, who live overseas, pointed them out on their regular visits home. Later, you were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

I remember once getting a call at my office in the afternoon. The distraught voice of the caregiver got my attention. Without a car, you had decided to walk to a friend’s home, just lO minutes away. But you got lost. Later, we found out that you’d walked for hours. Eventually, a lorry driver found you lying in a drain with a bruised body and bloodied face. He drove you around until you recognised our home. I realised then that being there for someone who is having more ‘woolly’ moments can be more challenging than caring for one who’s mobility-restricted.

But you have never let your illness hold you back. Even though your memory is fading, your essence remains one of joy. As a former social worker, you still insist on visiting some of the patients you cared for every Chinese New Year, and on hosting a group of volunteers you worked with many years ago. You also started piano lessons when you were 88, and then moved on to drawing and painting when you were 9O. You love music and are always ready to burst into song. One of your favourites is Que Sera, Sera.

You’re blessed with many caring relatives who visit you and take you out. We also get a lot of support from health-care organisations like the Agency for Integrated Care and the Alzheimer’s Disease Association, which have been instrumental in slowing the progression of your disease.

I moved from full-time to freelance work almost three years ago, so I could have more time with you - to take you for your various programmes, or on outings and overseas trips. I admit it does challenge my self-worth when you repeatedly (sometimes at 3O-second intervals) ask the same question, like ‘Why aren’t you at work?’ or ‘Why are you home?’. I vary my replies. Sometimes, I say ‘I’m working from home today’. Other times I say ‘I took leave today to be with you’. The latter seems to make you happiest. I have no regrets. You’re a great mum - a blessing to me, my siblings and so many more, even with the toll of the disease. While you can still remember my name, I’m glad I decided to make time for you. Each day is treasured.” - Anonymous, 55

In Singapore, an estimated 40,000 people live with dementia, and one in 10 of them is under 65 years old. If you need help, contact the Alzheimer’s Disease Association at 6377-0700.
 
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“It makes me sad to see her getting older”

“I recall that at my university convocation, we took a family picture. As I look through the pictures now, I can see that you already had grey hairs and that you were wearing glasses for long sightedness.

It hit me, because it is not as if you and Daddy have become old all at once. It has been happening slowly over the span of many years. And it was then that I realised I had lost sight of the fact that you and Daddy were growing older as I was busy growing up. It made me feel sad that I had somehow failed to notice how much you have aged. Since I was young, you have always been there to take care of the family’s needs. You have shown me what it means to be selfless. You are the rock and foundation of my life.” – Joey Lim, 28
 
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“My mother is an everyday hero”

“You expanded our imagination through simple creativity in our childhood. We did not have many toys or a TV to watch when we were young, and I was really sad as I wanted a Barbie doll and stickers, just like my friends. However, you and Dad opened a world of possibilities to us that benefit me creatively to this day. You found a wooden plank and Dad nailed on some old cupboard wheels, so we could sit or slide or play on it. We cut out holes in boxes and played house in them. I drew on paper and pretended to be a newscaster reporting the scenes I had drawn.

After you retired, you did not stop there, but instead started a second career by taking the full National Institute of Education course and teaching students in secondary school, many of whom came from low-income and difficult family backgrounds.

Thank you for showing me that true heroes are those who live their everyday lives steadfastly and meaningfully, always staying focused and kind in the daily grind of life, thinking well and planning well. You never pressured me to live up to any standards, but in my eyes, you are the standard that I aspire to.” - Isabelle Lim, 30s 
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“We fight, but you’re always there when I need you”

“We may quarrel a lot and not see eye to eye on many things, but I know you always put us first in everything you do.

A few years ago, I took a three-month sabbatical. You were the one who actually pushed for me to go to London and take courses in business strategy and consulting, luxurybrand management and a social media boot camp. I had not made many friends and was starting to feel a bit lonely there. You knew how I was feeling and flew out to accompany me for a few weeks. You even ended up taking some courses yourself. It felt like home overseas, and I was very touched.

We went shopping, sightseeing, visited restaurants and went to plays. But the main thing I learnt from you during this time was that people should never stop learning, no matter how old they are.” – Merliza Lim, 32