It’s an inevitable part of childhood, but you can help your child navigate through bad influences and grow up more confident.
It’s an inevitable part of childhood, but you can help your child navigate through bad influences and grow up more confident.
The relationships that children, particularly teens, have with friends are an important part of growing up and learning how to navigate life’s challenges. “Generally it’s the adolescence years that are tricky, but from as early as nine years old children can be influenced by their peers to change their attitudes, values and/or behaviour based on the norms adopted by the group,” says Fauziah Shah, a director at Petra Counselling Centre.
Friends and peers can be a “positive influence”, says Fauziah, “Some kids are motivated to excel and are a great influence in encouraging their peers to get involved in group study, projects or manage their time better and become more goal oriented.
“Peer pressure can also coax one another to conform to standard rules and regulations like being punctual, do their share of project work on time and participate in wholesome activities like sports and volunteer work.”
But this is a double-edged sword. Other kids may influence your children to behave differently from how you, or they themselves, would like. “Peer pressure can be negative when they discourage your child to work hard at their studies and instead seek pleasure in unacceptable activities like smoking, drinking and stealing,” warns Fauziah. When things turn dodgy, how can you help your kids manage the situation?
When it’s a problem
Peer pressure becomes toxic when children are encouraged to take risks that come with experimenting with alcohol and with skipping school or getting into trouble with the law. adolescents are generally highly susceptible to what their friends are doing.
Fauziah also finds children who lack selfesteem and self-confidence are usually the ones who are bullied into conforming. This is when parents need to step in.
“The desire to be part of something can put a lot pressure on teenagers to take unhealthy risks they normally wouldn’t take,” says Fauziah. “as a parent, you should look for ways to enhance their confidence so they know the difference between right and wrong, especially when it comes to things that matter: alcohol, curfews, exercise, diet, sleep and Internet safety.”
Peer pressure has many faces
The influence of other kids can be direct or subtle, and both are powerful. Direct peer pressure arises when a leader in a group behaves in a certain way and influences other children to do the same thing. Indirect peer pressure can include children being mocked or excluded if they don’t follow the crowd.
“So your child doesn’t want to take a puff of the cigarettes and the most influential one says, ‘Fine, if you want to play a coward, go ahead’.
Likely, your kid gets excluded from the group because he doesn’t engage in a behaviour and is punished for not toeing the line,” explains Fauziah. Try the seven expert tips from Fauziah (on the right) to help your child cope with the many facets of peer pressure.
How You Can Help
Don’t Criticise His Friends
If you say “I don’t want you to spend time with X”, your child sees that as a threat to their independence and it alienates them. “Criticising his friends can drive him further into the arms of those people,” says Fauziah. “If your 14-year-old is with someone you know is a bad choice, sometimes you have to sit back and let your child realise that on their own.
Don’t Be Over-protective
When kids make mistakes, they have to deal with the fallout and find out who they can and cannot trust. “Over-protectiveness weakens a child’s capacity to solve problems.
If a child knows Mum or Dad is in control of what happens in their life and their decisions, there’s no motivation to make their own choices and be indepedent,” says Fauziah. “Learning to deal with consequence is vital as teens move towards adulthood.”
Praise Positive Friends
Make reinforcing comments about friends who have a positive influence, or when your child shows initiative in a tricky peer situation. But don’t praise him yet – he will know that you’re up to something.
So instead of saying, “You’re so good for not going to the mall after school today”, you could say, “I'm proud of you for prioritising your activities”. Or instead of saying, “Jaden is the kind of boy I want you to be friends with”, you could say, “Jaden seems like a sensible boy”.
Talk About Self-respect
If a child has self-respect, he understands his selfworth and love himself. “He wouldn’t feel small if his ideas and inclinations are different from his peers. Most teens are attracted to those who are confident and self-assured and will not bully them into toeing the line. This helps him gain respect among his friends,” says Fauziah.
Share Your Mistakes
Children forget that parents were once teenagers like them and parents are often embarrassed to tell their kids that they made mistakes. Tell them stories about friendships from your teen years and especially share moments where you faced challenges or made judgement errors. “Don’t wait for problems to surface – a good rapport between parent and child will go a long way,” says Fauziah.
Know Your Child’s Friends
Know who your child hangs out with. Teenagers usually don’t HELP want to share that information, so build good intelligent networks. “Invite their friends to your place so they feel comfortable with you. If there’s a particular friend you like, invite him to family outings and festive parties to strengthen the friendship with your child,” suggests Fauziah.
Show Them Love and Boundaries
As your child shows that he can make safe and sensible decisions and is not overly affected by their friends, you can relax some boundaries. “With stronger minded children, go soft, then softer, and keep negotiating,” says Fauziah. “Let your child know that you love them and want them to have fun, but you also want them to have self-respect and to be safe.
It's always good to discuss as a family certain house rules and all members of the family, including parents, should stick by them. This way trust is established and your child knows he can depend on you for guidance.”
