Consider these key points to see if you’re making the right decision, to prepare yourself for what lies ahead.
Consider these key points to see if you’re making the right decision, to prepare yourself for what lies ahead.
When it comes to divorce, severing emotional and domestic ties are not the only things to consider. Ending a long-term relationship is a life-changing decision, and it’s rarely simple or straightforward. We don’t always take into account the practicalities regarding children, money and property.
Counselling
Does it help?
it’s worth seeking professional advice, says Gloria James-Civetta, Managing partner of Gloria James-Civetta & Co, advocates & Solicitors (http://www.gjclaw.com.sg). She adds, “it is necessary as some require realisation that the marriage has broken down. Counselling will either help you decide if it’s worth trying to work on your relationship, or confirm your belief that it’s really not fixable.”
Gloria also shares that some counsellors offer marriage closure therapy, which helps bring about an amicable divorce if one goes down that route. “Some clients have mentioned that it helps them to either work on their marriage or in some cases, reach a self-realisation that divorce is inevitable,” she adds. if your partner refuses to try relationship counselling, it’s still a good idea to go alone, and at least you’ll feel you’ve tried everything before ending things.
LAWYER
Do you really need one?
Gloria affirms that you do need a lawyer to file a divorce petition. She explains, “if you choose to file the petition yourself, you can rely on the forms provided by the court database and file your own divorce papers through crimson logic. However, that is not a fool-proof system.”
Gloria adds she has seen many cases where the documents had been prepared wrongly, which inevitably results in more cost, as they still had to engage lawyers to correct the wrong. if you are having a simplified divorce, it still works out better in engaging a lawyer, as fees are invariably kept low. if there’s unresolved conflict that prevents you from coming to a mutually acceptable agreement about things like property distribution and arrangement for the care of children, it’s wise to get legal advice.
Children
Who gets custody?
You may have come to a fair arrangement about where the children will live and who they will spend important holidays with, but in reality, the thought of the kids making happy memories that don’t include you can be painful for everyone. it’s worth thinking about how you’ll cope when the time comes.
Gloria says, “Custody is usually awarded to a mother if children are below seven years of age, as the court operates on the presumption that the mother is a better caregiver. That being said, the court has always been in favour of joint custody. in this sense, it means that the court wants both parties to decide together on the important issues (regarding children), and make decisions concerning them.”
When it comes to care and control, like that of the primary residence of the children, the court usually favours it being awarded to one parent in order to have stability in the children’s lives. So it means the parent having the sole care and control will have the majority of time with the children, and is responsible for the basic day-to-day decisions revolving around them.
Support
Know your alliances
Ending a relationship can be emotionally distressing, so reliable support is important. There are no guarantees about who will get custody of your friends – even those who were in your life long before you even met your partner. “When you decide to end a marriage, it’s usually to escape a bad situation, but you also lose some good things in the process,” say marriage counsellors. “Friends tend to draw alliances and while some of your own friends might side with your ex, others may pull away because they find it hard to maintain friendships with both of you.”
Forward thinking can make a difference, so if you feel your support system is lacking, plan ahead by enlisting the help of people who will lighten your burden if times get rough.
Divorce
Is it the right decision?
If you want out of your relationship because your partner no longer makes you happy, you may be putting responsibility for your happiness on the wrong shoulders. “it’s easy to blame your partner when things go wrong, but so many people are walking out of marriage for the wrong reasons,” say experts.
Cracks in a marriage can be more evident during times of emotional upheaval. These are the times when you really need to support each other, but it may feel like you’re on opposing teams. Mid-life is a common time for marriage breakdown, especially if you have unfulfilled needs you feel you can no longer push aside, say experts. if that’s the case, the problem might not be with your relationship, and deciding to separate may leave you just as miserable.
Finances
How do you manage?
Even if you and your ex had a financial planner together, it’s important to consult someone else who will act just for you. They can help with independent financial advice about decisions that will affect your future on your own.
Gloria says, “You do need to be concerned as you are moving away from one household income of combined salaries to two households of separate salaries. if you are a housewife, you may need to get a job if you’ve had a short marriage. Otherwise, you will also require maintenance support from the spouse. in this instance, you would need to provide the breakdown of reasonable expenses.”
When it comes to matrimonial assets, Gloria explains that all assets are subject to division by the principle of what is just and equitable. “in order for the court to make a decision, the court looks at both parties’ direct and indirect contributions. Only matrimonial assets can be divided.”
For a non-working woman who has zero savings and assets, with children, life will seem difficult at first. after a couple of years or so, though, you should adjust to your new status, and feel more like you have returned to a normal life.
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