I want it dad way

THE BABY WHISPERER

Growing up, Muhammad Irfan, 35, did odd jobs like delivering newspapers and pizzas.

It’s no wonder then that this dad of four – Ziqry, eight; Dinny, seven; Zaqyr, three; and Jannah, six months old – is accustomed to waking up at 5am.

His day starts with preparing Dinny for school and having breakfast with her before the school bus arrives at 6.10am. He then wakes his two sons up, showers them, and ferries his eldest son to school, before heading to the office, where he works as an operations manager.

“All my kids are always demanding my time,” he says in a tone that makes it seem like it’s the first prize in a lucky draw.

They hide and wait to surprise him when he returns, or rush to hug him till he falls flat on the ground. “So, no matter how tough my day was at work, this itself is the most beautiful way to end it,” he gushes.

Irfan also makes it a point to spend time with his kids before putting them to bed at 8.30pm, either through playing zombies and monsters with them, or chatting about their day and what they did in school.

On nights when he reaches home late at 9pm, he comes home to a sofa full of kids who have fallen asleep while waiting for his return – and it melts his heart, he says.

What’s behind their strong bond? For one thing, Irfan believes in seizing the moment – like the time he was on reservist duty and his kids were in awe of his army outfit. He took the opportunity to paint their faces with military camouflage paint, “which made them so happy”, he recalls.

“There is not a single book or even Google that can help you be a father,” he says when asked for his advice to new dads.

“The only thing I realised that works, and doesn’t change through time and the personalities of your kids, is to invest time in them.” My child is a gift During the photo shoot for this article, Irfan takes six-monthold Jannah out of the studio when she cries; he returns two minutes later, having patted her to sleep.

“Baby whisperer”, a colleague remarks in amazement. But, Irfan refuses to take the credit for being a hands-on dad.

“They say behind every successful man is a woman, and my wife (Siti Jamaliah, 32) is that woman. There are times when I say I am crazy without much sleep; she is crazier with less sleep.

“I don’t know how she does it; the sacrifice she makes, she’s definitely my heart and soul.”

The sacrifice he refers to not only consists of her waking up at 4am to manage the home, but also her decision to give up her job as a nurse in 2012 to look after their eldest son when he was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) at two years old. He was later diagnosed with global developmental delay (GDD) at age four, and dyslexia at seven.

He looks at Ziqry’s condition as more of a gift than anything else.

“I also had ADHD when I was younger, and I lived my life to the fullest because my dad was very patient with me.

And now, my son has a better gift because he is gifted with GDD and dyslexia, as well.

“So, I recall how it was for me back then, and I strive to be that positive reinforcement in his life, like how my dad was in mine.”

Even though family means everything to Irfan, he is determined to “do what it takes to not spoil his kids”.

Describing himself as someone who believes in corporal punishment, he says discipline is of utmost importance.

“I have dedicated my life to them, and I am willing to give them everything, but they need to earn it,” he adds.

“It’s definitely tough being a father as you have to be extra disciplined, and you have to set the right example for your kids.

IF MUMS CAN DO IT, WHY CAN’T I?

What would make a man give up a 15-year career in trading, to be a stay-at-home dad? The return on investment was very clear for Adrian Shen, 40.

“When your kid comes along, your priorities change, and it isn’t so much about yourself anymore,” says the boyish-looking father of 19-month-old Kai Shen.

His wife, Caylee Zeng, 33, wanted to continue her job as a marketing manager, and they were reluctant to hire a helper or enrol their son in infant care at such a tender age. Besides, Adrian wanted to grow up with his only child.

It’s clear that he’s one devoted dad. During our interview, he is distracted from time to time, waving to and interacting with his perky boy, who already has Mummy there to keep him company.

Adrian now plans his schedule around his little one’s nap time and sets aside two hours a day, before 11am, to trade. Besides nappychanging, bottle-feeding and carrying his tot to sleep, he has no qualms about cooking for his little one as well – something he managed to do successfully only with instant noodles in the past.

He calls the dish “rojak porridge”, which literally translates to a hodgepodge of ingredients such as brown rice, barley, carrots, pumpkin, onions, chicken, and water (or whatever he can find in the kitchen), thrown into a decade-old electric crockery pot passed down from his mum, and cooked for two hours. A dash of pepper, basil leaves and sesame oil, and it’s ready to serve.

Adrian also takes charge of the household chores at home.

When Kai was younger, Adrian would strap him to his chest and do minor chores such as cleaning during weekdays.

Major ones such as washing the toilets and mopping the floor were done on weekends, while Caylee brought their little boy out for a walk.

Stepping into the unknown All these may seem like a child’s play for Adrian now, but entering fatherhood was like “stepping into uncharted waters”.

“You can’t really be prepared for it,” he shares.

“You know what to expect, but you don’t really know what to expect at the same time.” He recalls one of the toughest times when Kai, then an infant, would cry for two hours straight after waking up. Soon, the new dad found himself entangled in a monotonous cycle of changing diapers, showering the baby, putting him to sleep, and pacifying his cries.

At times, he would text his wife during the day to urge her to get home quickly.

“We can play and spend time together the whole day, but when Mum comes home, or when she is around, I become invisible,” he says.

“My wife is the real superhero, not me.”

Over time, he adjusted to his new role, which taught him to think from his son’s point of view – what made him cry, or why he was reacting in a certain manner.

This experience also fostered in him an appreciation for all mothers, especially his own.

When asked to describe fatherhood in one word, he blurts out: “Amazing!” “I didn’t expect it to be such a wonderful thing. I’m just enjoying myself every moment. Sometimes, I even feel like I’m a crazy person, because I’ll just look at Kai, and I’ll laugh,” he explains.

His tip for new stay-home dads? It’s to have a never-saydie attitude. “Tell yourself, if others can do it, so can I.

BE YOUR KID’S BUDDY

You might scoff at his social-media handle – The “Perfect” Father – but blogger Steven Teo, is quick to qualify it.

“The inverted commas are there to remind me that I can always strive to be, but never be the perfect dad. So, I’ll try to be the best father I can be,” the 39-year-old says.

With four ebullient kids in tow – Stefis nine, Leroy is eight, Stacci is six, and Louie is three years old – you wonder how he juggles a full-time job in sales retail management, blogging, and his responsibilities as a father.

“I guess I have it easy because of my wife (Poo Lai Fong, also 39, who works full-time as an administration manager).

It’s a great partnership from the beginning – she’s my partner in crime, and partner in parenting.”

While both work fulltime, they have a mutual agreement that whenever one has overtime, the other has to be home for the kids. The Teos have a helper who does the chores.

On a typical workday, Steven’s evening includes feeding and showering the little ones, while ensuring the older two finish their homework. Only after his kids go to bed at around 10pm does he blog for about an hour or two.

His musings on fatherhood, which started in 2014 at www.theperfectfathersg.blogspot.sg, have certainly struck a chord, making him one of the up-and-coming blogger parents here. Name the latest kid-friendly activities or places, and his family has probably already been invited there.

Wake-up call Steven’s childhood shaped his parenting philosophy profoundly. He was left in the care of his grandmother for most days, and had little interaction with his parents, which is why he resolved to never do the same with his own children. From showering and changing their nappies to being their personal hairstylist, he has done it all.

He even recalls the time when he resorted to physically sucking his kids’ phlegm and mucus out when the baby nose cleaner didn’t work.

Having children has clearly changed his life. Steven recalls how he was hooked on to smoking for over 20 years.

One day, when he was about to take a puff outside, Steffi, then three, looked him in the eye and said: “Daddy, if you smoke some more, you are going to die and we cannot be together anymore.”

That innocent sentence shook his world. It was his last pack.

“Now that I have experienced fatherhood myself, I can clearly say that it’s totally worth it,” he adds.

Steven understands the importance of spending quality time with each kid, which is why he takes them on solo trips. He whisked Stefic away to Korea in 2014, Leroy to the Gold Coast, Australia, in 2016, and Stacci to Perth in May this year. He plans to take the youngest, Louie, on a similar holiday in a few years’ time.

“These trips have enabled me to learn more about each child, far more intimately than I would be able to do so back home, where I would usually be easily distracted with work or their siblings,” he explains.

ACCEPT YOUR CHILD FOR WHO HE IS

Some parents hashtag #blessed in all the socialmedia posts concerning their little ones and describe each day as a day of wonderment.

But One FM 91.3 DJ Shan Wee doesn’t buy that.

“That might be true for some people – that’s because your child has a very sweet personality. On the other hand, if you hear people talk about how difficult it is, that’s also true, because they probably have a child with a difficult personality,” says the 35-year-old, who has two sons, Ciaran, five, and Ruan, three.

“One of my philosophies now is that people and personalities don’t change.

So, it’s best to not try and change your child, but accept him for who he is.”

Acceptance is one of the underlying themes behind Shan’s new parenting book, 99 Rules for New Dads, which humorously dishes out “dad-vice” on fatherhood from pregnancy until the preschooler years.

“I always wanted to write a book, and they say you should write about what you know, and that’s what I know right now – being a dad to these boys, every day,” he says.

The book took him six months to pen, and he partially credits his kids’ poor sleeping habits for the quick turnaround.

He explains: “My children are terrible at going to bed, so while I was working on the book at my study table – which is right outside their room – it made me stay there and write as long as it takes for them to fall asleep.”

While he gamely admits to as many parenting hits as misses in his book, Shan is thankful that his career affords him more time with his boys.

He is responsible for the first half of the day, when he drops Ciaran off at school, bonds with Ruan and sends him to school, before heading for his 4pm-to-8pm shift on The Escape Plan with Shan and Cheryl. His Indonesian wife, Artika Sulaiman, 35, who works as a wedding planner, manages the kids for the rest of the day.

The family’s favourite hangouts include the Jacob Ballas Children’s Gardens and Gardens by the Bay’s water play area. They also love to swim.

Out of his 99 rules, which would he offer to new dads? His top three: One, it doesn’t matter how many kids you have or how good they are, your wife is still your No. 1 priority.

Two, work really hard to get your child’s sleep culture right, “more so than anything else”.

Three, the philosophy that he shared at the start – personality stays from day one.

“Accept that and don’t expect it to change”.

He adds in the book: “If you don’t accept your child’s personality, you are essentially condemning them to a life where the most important person in their eyes, their Dad, does not approve of them.

A life where their Dad does not like everything that they are. This is surely the biggest failing a father can inflict.” He couldn’t have said it better.