It’s only natural for the partner who wants kids to feel devastated and betrayed. That sense of betrayal will be especially strong if both parties had previously agreed to have kids.
Starting a family –or not – is a decision every couple has to make together. But when your other half has a change of heart, does that necessarily spell the end of your marriage? SASHA GONZALES helps you weigh your options.
It was a revelation that brought Tricia’s* world crashing down. One night, two years into her marriage, her husband, Roy*, broke the news to her: He had changed his mind about having kids. “We’d long talked about starting a family, but when I raised the issue, he told me he no longer felt like he wanted to bring a child into this world.” “I was shocked and crushed,” shares the 35-year-old finance executive.
“Being parents was our dream, or so I thought, so when he mentioned that he’d been trying to find a way to tell me that he couldn’t deal with the possibility of raising a child, it shook me to the core.” After getting over her initial shock, Tricia felt a fury like she had never felt before; she didn’t speak to Roy for weeks.
He then told her he wasn’t likely to change his mind and he’d understand if she wanted to call it quits; he felt like he’d let her down and didn’t want her to forgo being a mum because of him. “There was just no way it would’ve worked between us. I would’ve spent the rest of my life resenting him,” says Tricia, who divorced Roy a few months later. “It was a difficult separation, but I didn’t want to stay married to a man who didn’t want to start a family with me.”
Irreconcilable differences?
“Starting a family is what many couples dream about and hope for,” says Ho Shee Wai, psychologist and director at The Counselling Place. “So when that dream is crushed, it’s only natural for the partner who wants kids to feel devastated and betrayed. That sense of betrayal will be especially strong if both parties had previously agreed to have kids.”
Shee Wai points out that it’s hard for the other party too, who may “feel torn between standing his or her ground – and disappointing his or her partner – and doing something that will please the partner but is against his or her own wishes and beliefs.” While such a revelation is devastating for a couple, does it have to be the death knell for the marriage?
Not necessarily. “James*, my husband of four years, could have left me when I told him I’d changed my mind about having kids, but he didn’t,” says Pamela*, a 32-year old music teacher. “Being a mum seemed like a good idea before we were married, but now, it’s intimidating. We should’ve discussed what we’d do if one of us changed our minds.”
“The idea of losing Pamela really got me thinking,” James, 33, explains. “While I wanted a child with her, I couldn’t bear the thought of being without her. I guess I chose being with Pamela over being a dad. Of course, I’ve felt sad on occasion, knowing that it will always just be the two of us, but I certainly don’t resent her for it.”
It doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.
“Like many other problems married couples face, I believe this can be ironed out,” says Dr Lim Boon Leng, psychiatrist at Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness at Gleneagles Medical Centre. “The first step is to communicate with each other. If you’re the one who doesn’t want kids, explain the reasons to [your spouse, who] should also present the reasons for wanting kids.” “Talk about why it’s important for you to have children and what it would mean if you never have any, and vice versa,” suggests Shee Wai.
“Understand the deep-rootedness of [the other party’s] position and what prompted the change of heart.” “Who knows? You may find that you’re not exactly averse to having children but are just worried that you won’t be a good parent,” adds Dr Lim. “If you discuss these fears with your spouse, you may find that you can resolve the issue together or reach a compromise.”
If the decision has something to do with your partner – for instance, if you feel that he or she won’t be a good parent, or if you’re having marital problems – resolve those underlying issues before furthering the discussion. For some, it may simply be an issue of timing.
“Maybe you’re not ready to be a parent at this point. If you think there’s a chance you may change your mind, [consider] revisiting this. Don’t put aside the issue because you’re avoiding it,” advises Dr Lim. Just make sure that your spouse knows that revisiting the issue doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind about it.
Can you live with the sacrifice?
Melanie*, 37, chose to stay with Lawrence*, her husband of seven years, despite the fact that he changed his mind about having kids after they got married. “Lawrence was diagnosed with cancer shortly after our first wedding anniversary,” shares the television producer. “Thankfully, his treatment was successful and [he] is now in remission. But after that experience, he said there was no way he would have kids. He’s afraid the cancer would return and he doesn’t want any child of ours to see him suffer.”
It took a long time for Melanie to come to terms with Lawrence’s decision, but she tried to look at it from his point of view. “It was hard, and I still don’t fully understand his thinking,” she says. “But there’s a small chance the cancer will return, and if that happens and we have a young child, he would be devastated.”
Choosing to stay with your spouse shows you value him or her more than being a parent; however, it’s a heavy decision that needs careful thought. “Will you regret it later on? Will you resent your partner for the rest of your life? [It’d be wise] to envision your life five or 10 years ahead, in that scenario. If the image doesn’t sit well with you, it’s a sign that you probably won’t be happy,” says Dr Lim. “And if you do stay with your spouse, remember that [both of you were responsible] for the decision to have a child or to remain childless.”
*Names have been changed.
NEED COUNSELLING?
If you need help with your relationship or some assistance working out your feelings, seek out a professional counsellor at:
• The Counselling Place, tel: 6887-3695, www.thecounsellingplace.com.
• Heart-to-heart Psychotherapy, tel: 9792-2290, www.hearttoheart.sg.
• Dr BL Lim Centre For Psychological Wellness, tel: 6479-6456, www.psywellness.com.sg.
“IT’S ONLY NATURAL FOR THE PARTNER WHO WANTS KIDS TO FEEL DEVASTATED AND BETRAYED. THAT SENSE OF BETRAYAL WILL BE ESPECIALLY STRONG IF BOTH PARTIES HAD PREVIOUSLY AGREED TO HAVE KIDS.” – Ho Shee Wai, psychologist and director at The Counselling Place.
