Forget what they say about keeping an open mind about your other half’s quirks. Some things are just nonnegotiable, says Jason Godfrey, our man about town. He spills on why crossing the line means it’s time to spruce up that Tinder profile, and get out of there.
1 YOU USE MY TOOTHBRUSH
This is only okay if we’ve been together awhile. And there has to be a good reason – like you forgot your toothbrush on vacation and the free one the hotel provided is a cheapie with six bristles that turn to rough hairs after two strokes. But not when we’ve been dating just a week. Imagine walking into your own bathroom to find your better half flashing an unapologetically toothy grin while brushing with your toothbrush. Is nothing sacred?! All that’s going through my mind at that point is – why is my toothbrush in your mouth?! Why didn’t you ask me first?
And as if fire needed any more fuel, you ask, “You don’t mind, do you?”.
Are you asking if I mind that you had zero respect for my personal space? Yeah I do, actually.
2 YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET
I’m always up for some healthy debate over that article you read on the benefits of the welfare state versus corporate subsidies. But if you’re going to fall for every single conspiracy theory on the Internet…
Trust me on this, the world isn’t flat, the moon landing was real, and Jay-Z and Beyonce aren’t really poisoning the water on behalf of the Illuminati, just so we’ll have constant stomach aches. If those theories are your jam, I don’t care how hot you are, it’s time for you to go. Guess what?
Sometimes a triangle is just a triangle – not an ominous all-seeing pyramid belonging to some secret society.
3 YOU HAVE QUESTIONABLE TASTE…
… in interior design. I’ve got to be specific about this. By that, I mean you love your couch cushions. Way too much.
Hey, I love to get comfortable, and a good pillow does the trick. But having 17 cushions on a two seater couch really makes that piece of furniture less of a seat, and more of a display apparatus for your pillows. I know you might think cushions make a space look warm and cosy, but seriously – decorative pillows are way too firm and are useless when it comes to comfort.
And that fetish for decorative pillowing? It doesn’t go away. Ever. In fact, it’ll go from the couch to the bedroom and to the rocking chair on the porch – until every time you want to sit down, you’ll have to wrestle with an armful of quirky, frilly or colourful cushions. I’ve been there. And I want no part of that.
4 YOU HAVE TERRIBLE TABLE MANNERS
Yeah, sometimes stuff gets stuck between your teeth. But do you have to sit at the table across from me sucking on your teeth, looking like a belligerent chipmunk trying to free a little morsel of your dinner? It’s not a flattering look. Dental floss and toothpicks exist for a reason. Use them. Or use your fingernail and just get the job done. We’ll probably laugh about it after. Whatever the case, it’s better than having to watch you sucking your teeth for 20 minutes, like they’re the world’s tastiest popsicle. Consider this deal broken.
Pack a toothbrush if you want to keep the peace.
