Did your child’s best friend find another bestie? It’s time to teach her to widen her social circle, says DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON. march 2017.
Did your child’s best friend find another bestie? It’s time to teach her to widen her social circle, says DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON. march 2017.
Friendships can be tricky at this age, because most children regard them as precious. That’s why your primary schooler is so possessive about her best friend – she becomes immensely jealous when her BFF wants to hang out with other girls.
So, don’t be surprised if your child comes home from school one day in tears because her “bestie” has another new BFF – she is afraid of losing her pal altogether and, even if they stay pals, she is upset because they are no longer exclusive.
She needs your help to manage those relationships more effectively.
Friendships bring so many benefits to your tween. For a start, she has someone to play with at school and at weekends, which means she need never feel lonely.
In addition, a solid friendship means she is not socially isolated, and this boosts her self-esteem. Besides, a close friendship during childhood allows each of the children in that relationship to test out their ideas without fear of adult criticism.
All these in uences interact to such an extent that the majority of children thoroughly enjoy having a best friend.
Friendships are complex As an adult, you know that friendships are rarely exclusive. It is perfectly normal for you to have a close friend in one context (say, the workplace) and a totally different close friend in another context (say, among your social group).
It is also common to have two or more close friends in the same context (say, people you met during play dates).
You know that one friendship is not threatened by the other; they don’t compete. However, you have learnt that through experience. Confidence in the stability of friendships builds up gradually.
But your child doesn’t have that experience, not yet anyway. In the meantime, she might be plagued with jealousy.
The more, the merrier The best advice you can give your child is that she should try to have more than one best friend.
Of course she may be drawn to a particular kid, because of shared interests, or similar personalities. There is nothing wrong with that. But try to encourage her to mix with other children, too. It’s good for her to have a range of friends; some at school, some around the neighbourhood.
Having multiple close friends safeguards her so that she has other children to play with in case one particular relationship break down – and friendships during childhood are notoriously fragile.
Having more than one close friend also teaches her to feel less possessive about her pals, to accept that friendships can change, and to reduce jealousy.
Take a keen interest in her relationships at school; if you find that she mentions the name of only one child all the time, suggest she plays with others in her class, too. Monitor the situation closely.
If the time does arise when your tween reveals she is jealous that her best friend has another BFF as well, comfort her. Point out that she is a wonderful child and that she’ll make a new bestie in no time.
Be sympathetic, but don’t indulge her self-pity. Explain that her friend’s attachment to a new child does not mean there is anything wrong with her personally, just that the girl wants to have more than one pal.
Your child will get over the loss of this exclusive relationship reasonably quickly, much sooner than you expect!
With luck, she’ll learn from this social experience that friendships cannot be controlled, and that part of friendship can at times mean letting go when someone is ready to move on.
Having more than one close friend also teaches her to feel less possessive about her pals, to accept that friendships can change, and to reduce jealousy.
ILLUSTRATION CHENG PUAY KOON.
