If You Vagina Could Speak

Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not just men who are ruled by the needs and desires of their nether regions.

Portrait of Tammy Strobel

Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not just men who are ruled by the needs and desires of their nether regions.

My Reading Room

As women, we’re constantly aware of what’s happening between our legs, but we rarely give our vaginas the attention they deserve. That little flower of an organ puts up with a lot. We think it deserves to take centre stage and have its voice heard. And given the chance, here’s what we think your vagina would have to say.

Wrong, wrong, wrong

“Big, small, fat, thin – I’ve felt them all, but my enjoyment of sex has less to do with length or girth and more about direction and skill. Trust me, no one likes to be prodded and poked. It’s kind of like when you’re kicked in the guts in kickboxing class. Wrinkly, ill-fitted condoms are also the worst, and I can’t help seize up from discomfort. Size doesn’t always matter, but fit does!”

Whoa, Aunt Flo!

“Ah, your period. Aka that time of month when you push the super-soaking abilities of your tampon to its limits. I need a little love at this time too you know. It’s not my fault I was chosen as the exit point for your uterus’ monthly clean out, and it doesn’t help my self-esteem when you’re wearing those underwear, even if they’re black and comfortable. You get to eat chocolate and cry at those animal videos that pop up in your Facebook feed – the least you can do is give me a clean, dry pair of panties in which to chill while we both wait for this all to pass.”

It’s your teeth that need flossing!

“When are you going to learn to overestimate your panty size? We vaginas are tough and we put up with a lot, but being sliced apart by your too-tight thong is not cool. JUST STOP.”

Where did you put that back scratcher you got for Christmas?

“That Secret Santa gift was intended for those hard-to-reach spots between your shoulder blades, but what I wouldn’t give to relieve the agonising itch that comes post-wax as your pubic hair decides to break through the surface of my super sensitive skin.”

Hey, smooth operator

“I love my perch’s view in all its changing landscapes − a nice bit of greenery makes me feel at one with nature, but if you decide to succumb to the agony of waxing, let me tell you the view beyond is... beautiful.”

I wanna make love in this club (or anywhere. NOW)

“It might not be until you start thinking about getting pregnant that you realise I’m always HOT TO TROT about a week or so after your period. First thing in the morning, midday, middle of the night – it doesn’t matter when or where, and I let you know this with an egg-whitish, sticky discharge to say “I’m fertile and horny!” It’s such a fun time, but you should be taking extra care to use protection if you don’t want to make a baby (and just FYI, I hear horror stories from other vaginas).”

AAAAAAA chhhooooo

“Sorry. No one else might have noticed your quickie, but I’ve got all the evidence and, frankly, that’s going to come up at some point. Gravity can be a b**ch, so I hope you brought an extra pair of panties. Don’t make me suffer or I’ll retaliate with YEAST.”

Someone call the exterminators

“YEEEEEAAAST! Desperate times may call for desperate measures, but taking a can of fly spray to the area will NOT solve the problem. Please, spare me a full day or night without panties, cut sugar, yeast and alcohol from your diet, and get to the doctor ASAP. In the meantime, would you pass me some chilled, natural, sugar-free yoghurt? Ahhhhhhh the relief.” 

Images 123RF.com Text Jacqueline Smith.

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