Angry kids are all the “rage” these days. EVELINE GAN finds out why more children are struggling to control their emotions.
Occasional temper tantrums are a normal growing-up phase for very young children learning to control their emotions. But what if those explosive meltdowns continue well into the tween years? For almost two years, 32-year-old stay-at-home mum Rosmaira Ramli bore the brunt of her 11-year-old daughter’s daily tirades. At her wit’s end, she sought professional help two years ago.
“There was a lot of yelling, feet-stamping and doorbanging every day. Sometimes she would throw things, too. It was emotionally exhausting to manage her angry outbursts every day,” shares Rosmaira, who has two other children aged 13 and six years old. Increasingly, professionals share that they are seeing an rising number of angry children like Raudah Fatin. To address the growing problem, the Singapore Children’s Society (SCS) set up an anger management programme called Storm Riders in 2010.
Targeted at children in the upper primary levels, it is run by social workers and counsellors who impart skills to help children manage their anger issues through interactive activities. In the last five years, the intervention programme has expanded from one to five children and youth service centres run by the society. SCS has also recently begun training school counsellors to run the programme independently in schools, says Jenny Giam, assistant director of Sunbeam Place by SCS.
The Institute of Mental Health’s (IMH) Child Guidance Clinics saw an average of about 5,200 children and teens a year from 2011 to 2013. About 2.5 per cent of the group were diagnosed with conduct and impulse control disorders. Anger is a common emotion experienced by this group of children, who have problems in controlling their feelings and behaviour.
SO ANGRY IT HURTS
When not nipped in the bud, poorly managed anger (see Warning: Rage Alert) often leads to aggressive behaviour, warns Jillian Boon, a senior educational psychologist from IMH’s department of child and adolescent psychiatry. She says that children who cannot control their anger tend to misinterpret social situations and respond in a negative manner.
“Because of their anger issues, they often cannot get along with their peers and may get into frequent fights in school. Their parents typically also have problems managing their behaviour,” adds Jenny of SCS. Aggression was also the most common behavioural concern highlighted by school counsellors, based on findings from the Reach (Response, Early intervention and Assessment in Community Mental Health) programme, shares Jeffrey Ong, senior clinical psychologist at IMH’s department of child and adolescent psychiatry.
Reach is a community mental healthcare service set up to support students aged six to 19 years with emotional, social and behavioural issues. Recognising a need to help children manage their anger in a healthier manner, IMH developed a series of roleplaying mobile app games in 2013. It is targeted at children aged seven to 12 years.In the game Regnatales, which can be downloaded for free, the player has to save his parents from an evil villain by undergoing various challenges that test his patience and self-control.
While anger is not necessarily a “bad” emotion, it can become a problem when poorly managed or when expressed in an aggressive or destructive manner. For one thing, it causes the body to release stress hormones that put it in a “fight or flight” response, explains IMH’s Jillian. “Unresolved persistent anger would mean that the body is constantly stressed and have to cope with a lot of these stress hormones. This may lead to health and emotional problems such as poorer immunity, sleep and concentration problems, fatigue and headaches,” she says.
According to the experts, children who have difficulties managing their anger run a higher risk of emotional problems like depression and addictions. Jenny shares that rage may not always manifest outwardly. On the other hand of the spectrum are the silent types who turn their anger inward.“That can be very dangerous. We’ve seen cases of primary schoolers as young as 10 years old who self - inflict cuts and wounds on themselves whenever they feel angry or upset because they do not know how to express themselves in a healthy manner,” she says.
WHAT SETS YOUR KID OFF?
Dealing with an emotionally intense child can be a perplexing and frustrating experience. “There were times when I felt like I had failed as a mum. I couldn’t understand why my daughter was always so angry and acting out,” says Rosmaira.
Warning: rage alert
Consider seeking professional help if you notice the following red flags, advises Dr Sanveen Kang-Sadhnani of Thomson Paediatric Centre – The Child Development Centre:
• Your child’s anger becomes more intense and frequent.
• His anger is affecting his overall functioning.
• Changes in his personality.
• Teachers highlight that he has behavioural problems.
• You are afraid of your child.
Stress from school or home, such as learning difficulties or marital conflicts, is one of the main culprits, says Dr Sanveen Kang-Sadhnani, principal clinical psychologist and centre manager from Thomson Paediatric Centre – The Child Development Centre. Add bad parenting into the mix, and that could tip an angry child off the edge. Jenny points out it is also not uncommon for parents themselves to have trouble regulating their intense emotions or have anger issues spilled over from their childhood.
“Sometimes, when our counsellors follow up with the parents, we find out that they themselves have unresolved anger issues, too. In such cases, the parents are roped in to attend family therapy,” she says. Dr Sanveen says that caregivers do not realise that responding angrily – either by yelling or using physical force like caning – to a child’s temper tantrums often has unhelpful consequences (See Defusing Your Angry Child). “This can be confusing for the child because the adults are not practising what they preach.” Moreover, children model and learn from their parents how to respond emotionally, says IMH’s Jillian.
Instead of dismissing her daughter’s frequent outbursts as a growing-up phase, Rosmaira says she is glad to have found the right professional help. After attending SCS’ Storm Riders programme, Raudah has mellowed considerably. Rosmaira has also learnt to give her daughter time and space to calm down whenever she gets emotional. “She has a better relationship with her friends and siblings now. Even her attitude towards school work has become more positive; She now does her homework without resistance,” Rosmaira says.
“I strongly urge parents who have trouble managing their kid’s anger to seek professional help and not assume it’s just puberty or hormones.” However, beyond professional counselling, change must first come from parents. Jenny says: “The child can come to our programme and learn anger management techniques, but there is only so much the counselling sessions can do. If the parents are displaying bad behaviour at home, or not reinforcing good anger management skills, then nothing changes.”
Defusing your angry child
You might be tempted to smack or yell at your child for acting out. Don’t. Use these strategies to help Junior cope with his intense emotions instead.
MANAGE YOUR OWN EMOTIONS The worst thing a parent can do is to join in the rage. How can you expect your child to handle anger positively when you are modelling negative coping skills? IMH’s Jillian Boon says children often mimic what their parents do. Use a calm but firm voice instead of reacting to your child’s anger emotionally, says Dr Sanveen Kang-Sadhnani of Thomson Paediatric Centre – The Child Development Centre.
LISTEN AND TALK IT THROUGH While you should not give in to your kid’s tantrums and demands, it is important for you to learn to listen to what he is trying to say or communicate through his anger reactions, Dr Sanveen advises. From there, you can fi nd out what is bugging him and target the underlying issues. This might not work though, when he is in the midst of an intense meltdown. In this instance, give him some time and space to let off some steam and calm down.
DISTRACTION TACTIC This can be especially helpful when dealing with younger children under the age of five. Encourage him to do activities he likes such as drawing, a walk around the park or reading, suggests Dr Sanveen suggests. The distraction helps divert his attention and prevent an emotional outburst.
PLAY THE “NAME IT, CLAIM IT, AIM IT” GAME Teach your child to express himself and work through his anger with this game. First, get him to name his emotions and take responsibility for them by using words like “I feel angry and mad!” Be careful not to use words like “She made me mad”, as the aim is to teach the child to be responsible for his feelings and not engage in a blame game. Next, guide him to express his anger in a positive manner. Strategies include taking deep breaths, exercise, drawing or writing down feelings.
