About a decade ago, a community of men fashionedthemselves as “pickup artists” – masters of seduction who use certain techniques to sleep with as many women as possible. Recently, this name has become synonymouswith douchebaggery after some of their misogynistic and questionable tactics came to light. Which raises thequestion: are men still following their teachings?
About a decade ago, a community of men fashionedthemselves as “pickup artists” – masters of seduction who use certain techniques to sleep with as many women as possible. Recently, this name has become synonymouswith douchebaggery after some of their misogynistic and questionable tactics came to light. Which raises thequestion: are men still following their teachings?
The “Fireman”. The “Brian’s Friend”. The “Naked Man”. The “My Penis Grants Wishes”. You’ve probably laughed at all these “plays” employed by Barney Stinson on the long-running sitcom, How I Met Your Mother. The alwayssuited-up playboy, played by Neil Patrick Harris, lists these cheap tricks he’s used to get women to sleep with him in a volume called “The Playbook”, which he often forces onto his single friends and any other single man he meets.
“The Playbook” is, of course, a work of fiction. But there is a real-life equivalent of it, written by journalist Neil Strauss. Titled The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, the book details several methods that self-styled dating gurus – who call themselves pickup artists (PUA) – use to bed women. And some of these methods are, well, objectifying and sexually aggressive, whether they realise it or not. Take for example, the “negging” technique, where the PUA would pay you a backhanded compliment to undermine your confidence (“I love your outfit, but I think it’ll look even better with a different pair of shoes.”). The rationale is that you’d then feel the need to defend yourself, so you hang around the PUA to try and win his approval.
Another technique that PUAs use is “kino escalation”, where he tries to get intimate with his target by initiating physical contact and then intensifies it by touching more sensual areas. Sounds innocent enough, right? After all, you do need to test the waters before taking the relationship to a more intimate level. Except, you get borderline rape-y tips like: “If you think [the touching] is natural, then it is and she will perceive it so too [sic]” (www.thepuaschool.com); “Let’s say you’re talking about a topic and she says something that sounds weird or stupid. You look her deep in the eyes; you grab her from the shoulders, shake her gently and go like, ‘Focus woman. What are you talking about!’” (www.thequintessentialman.com); and “When you touch a woman, and behave in a sexual manner, it automatically makes her perceive you as a sexual man – which is a good thing” (www.girlschase.com).
To be fair, some of these sites and forums that discuss PUA techniques do tell their readers to not be inappropriate when pulling these moves. “If she indicates to you at any time that she is uncomfortable, through either her body language or verbally, you must back off immediately,” one website (www.puamore.com) advises.
It’s easy to dismiss these techniques as hogwash, especially as women. How can anyone take them seriously, right? But at the height of the PUA craze, there were men who willingly paid hundreds and thousands of dollars to attend workshops held by people considered to be the best pickup artists in the world, such as Mystery (real name: Erik Von Markovik) and Tyler Durden (real name: Owen Cook), who taught men how to use these techniques on unsuspecting women. Not to mention the countless forums dedicated to discussing these moves and how it played out when normal guys tried them. And even though Neil Strauss himself wrote The Game... as an exposé on the world of pickup artists, he soon followed it up with another PUA book, a “seduction academy”, a reality show and even a board game – all because of his new-found reputation as one of the top PUAs in the world.
And even today, a simple Google search will throw up a host of active forums and websites that promote the use of controversial PUA methods.
THE BAD AND THE UGLY
It was the video that made the public sit up and pay attention to what is really being taught at PUA workshops. Julien Blanc, a PUA who conducts seminars around the world, uploaded a video on Youtube back in 2014 that showed him telling a group of men that: “At least in Tokyo, if you’re a white male, you can do what you want.” The same clip also showed him going up to Japanese women in public and forcefully pushing their heads towards his crotch.
The video caught the attention of Jennifer Li, an Asian-American living in Washington. She reported him to the Japanese embassy, started a petition to ban him from holding future seminars, and kicked off the hashtag campaign, #takedownjulienblanc, on Twitter. The result? More than 400,000 signatures in total for separate petitions against Julien, who was then denied entry to multiple countries like Australia, UK, and here in Singapore. Oh, plus it earned him the reputation as the world’s most hated man too.
More recently, another PUA known as Roosh V cancelled his meetup here and around the world after facing severe backlash online. The Singapore meeting was originally planned to take place in February at Fort Canning Park. The “legal rape” advocate (yes, you read that right) was also accosted at a bar in Montreal last year, where he was scheduled to hold a seminar.
But, interestingly enough, a decade after publishing The Game..., Neil Strauss came forward to say that his whole PUA persona (which was, obnoxiously enough, named “Style”) and his days as a PUA all stemmed from a dysfunctional childhood. He admitted to checking into rehab and even consulted therapists, counselors and doctors to work on his “intimacy disorder”. Neil, who is now a husband and a father, published a book last year called The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, which chronicles his struggles to part with his PUA past and get to the root of his deep-seated emotional problems.
Speaking in an interview with The Cut, Neil pointed to other controversial writers like Tucker Max and Robert Greene who have also authored books about their seduction strategies. “They all have one thing in common. Do you know? Take a guess. They all have narcissistic mothers,” Neil said. “So of course they write these books, or live these lives that are about not being vulnerable to that same sex. But it’s a sad way to live.”
And some who have tried PUA methods claim it can be psychologically damaging. “I experimented with pickup artistry for about a year until I found that it was causing me a lot of problems,” says Ben Alexander, dating coach and co-founder of coaching company The Legends Academy (www.legendsacademy.com.au), which holds seminars and workshops across Australia, New Zealand and Asia. “I was starting to pretend to be something I wasn’t, and I was becoming addicted to trying to get every woman to be attracted to me. My self-esteem became tied to women’s reactions to me, which is obviously very unhealthy and unsustainable.”
PUA AND THE CITY
If you’ve been dipping your toes into the dating pool, chances are, you’d have come across some of these PUAs yourself, whether you realise it or not. A quick check on PUA forums show threads where men in Singapore are looking for wingmen to “sarge” – basically to go out in a group for the sole purpose of picking up women. But the people who used to be involved in the world of PUAs observed that there’s been a steady decline in activity since its heyday.
“Don’t get me wrong, there are still people who are trying to learn this stuff,” says a dating coach at ModernMan Academy (www.modernman.sg) who goes by the moniker “Gate”. “But the community is not as active as it used to be, say about eight or nine years back.”
Ethan Lee, who currently runs creative agency The Art Holdings (theartholdings.com) and is the resident dating expert at Gentlemen’s Secrets (www.gentlemens-secrets.asia) shares with us his take on the local PUA scene: “When I started out eight years ago, I was still pretty naïve, and I did get called out for [using PUA techniques]. But that was because I relied on a lot on tricks and gimmicks that were pretty scripted.” He adds that his success rate with women increased when he finally learnt to just be himself around them.
While it’s understandable that men might be more wary about using PUA techniques on the dating front now, the fact remains that men here are actively seeking out ways to improve their dating game. Ben, who held a dating workshop here last year, saw all 60 available seats filled up. And while Ethan only offers private coaching now, he maintains that there’s still a fair amount of interest in his services, with most of his clients introduced via word-of-mouth.
“I was starting to pretend tobe something I wasn’t, and I was becoming addicted to trying to get every woman to be attracted to me...”
GAME, SET, MATCH
One thing that all these dating coachesagree on, however, is that most guys who are looking for someone (or someways) to improve their dating lives donot start out with bad intentions.
“Pickup artistry is considered to be an unorthodox way of self-improvement. Like neuro-linguistic programming or martial arts, the intention is to help an individual be a better person,” says Ethan. “However, there are those who abuse the knowledge.”
They are quick to denounce the methods used by Julien and the like, but also point out it can be an engine for personal growth when you take some of the more problematic parts of PUA out of the practice. “You’re much more likely to hear about a bad doctor than a good one, and the dating education industry is no different,” says Ben.
For Gate, his foray into the PUA scene was a morale-boosting exercise more than anything. However, he clarifies that as a dating coach now, he advises against PUA routines and instead tells his clients to work on themselves first. “I mean, when I tried pickup artistry, it really wasn’t for the girls. I am autistic and dyslexic, and I wanted to become more confident,” he reveals.
But ultimately, these dating experts reckon that the best way for guys to up their dating game is to look for an experienced coach, as opposed to picking up tactics that are sexist and devious.
“The problem with pickup artistry is that it focuses on pretending to be something you’re not by memorising routines. There is a lack of attention paid to the underlying cause of the problem, and you’re just trying to cover up the problem instead of fixing it,” Ben says. “At The Legends Academy, we teach men to be naturally and authentically attractive, without being manipulative or fake.”
Gate sums it up best: “Techniques might get you some success at first, but she’s going to see through your routine [eventually]. You can’t keep that up forever.”
“The problem with pickup artistry is that it focuses on pretending to be something you’re not by memorising routines.”
HOW TO SPOT A PUA
Maybe you’re at a bar. Or walking down Orchard road. Heck, you can even be waiting for a train when a random guy approaches you all of a sudden. Is he a pickup artist? Here’s how you can tell.
1 He uses a weird opening line
He might approach you to ask for your opinion on his buddy’s shirt (“I think it looks fugly but he thinks it really shows off his biceps. What do you think?”) or compliment you on your outfit (“Nice dress! You must be a very creative person.”).
2 He pays you a backhanded compliment
This one is easy to identify. Just ask yourself if it sounds like the passive-aggressive sh*t your relatives say during family gatherings.
3 He uses every opportunity he can to touch you when you’re conversing (even though you just met)
It can start out as a light tap on the shoulder, then it’s a gentle caress across the back of your arm, then it’s a hand at the small of your back, and somehow that hand just keeps sliding down… you get the idea.
4 He pushes and pulls
Dating this guy is like a Katy Perry song: he’s hot then he’s cold, he’s yes then he’s no. Girlfriend, even if he’s not a PUA, you wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.
5 He tries to bring you away from your girlfriends
PUAs use a technique called “isolation”, which they use when they’re trying to get freaky with you. And the most effective way to do it, they think, is to pry you away from the protective arms of your girl squad.
6 He uses false time constraints
He said he’s leaving the bar in five… 20 MINUTES AGO. Maybe it’s time you remind him that he has somewhere else to be.
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