One moment she’s her sweet self; the next, she’s morphed into a grumpy girl. While it may be frustrating for you, DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON says it’s just part of growing up.
Age by stage 7-9 years
She used to be such a sweet and chatty child, but now your tween gives you one-word answers to your questions, she has so many extremes of emotion, and she’s even started to become embarrassed by your hugs, especially in front of her friends and classmates. You wonder why this change has occurred so suddenly.
Don’t worry; this transition is normal. She is no more difficult than any other child, and the changes you see are all to do with her and nothing whatsoever to do with you. Her stage of development means that she experiences new emotions, new ambitions and new self-doubt, which are hard for her to manage.
In addition, her confidence is very easily rocked, leaving her open to unpredictable mood swings, which cause her to be open and happy one minute, and then sullen and secretive the next. Not only that, she is now heavily influenced by people other than you, in particular by her peers. More than ever, it is important to her that children her own age accept her.
Of course, she still loves you and values your opinion (and she still needs your love, care and support), but she places increased weight on the opinions of her peers. That’s why she suddenly rejects your hugs – she is afraid they might make fun of her. And that’s also why she is more private than before – she mistakenly thinks that sharing her thoughts and feelings with her friends means she should be more distant from you.
She’ll eventually realise that she can be close to you and to her friends at the same time; that these relationships don’t compete. In the meantime, however, she can be chatty and affectionate in the morning, and silent and taciturn that same evening. Coping with the ups-anddowns of your changing tween is just like riding a roller coaster at the amusement park. And the same survival rules apply! If you had to take one of those thrill rides, you’d probably:
Brace yourself for the ride
You know your child is going to change, that sometimes she’ll push you away, and that sometimes she’ll prefer her friends to you. This should not surprise you. If you have a positive attitude and accept that she’s simply growing up, then you will be better prepared to cope.
Hang on tightly at the scary moments
For instance, when your kid tests your patience because she refuses to tell you what happened in school that day, try not to reject her. She needs you to love her even when she seems difficult to live with. Her difficult moods will always pass.
Go with the flow
You don’t know what’s coming next, so have an open mind and wait to see what happens. If she turns out to be chatty and cooperative tomorrow, then that’s great news for you. If she wakes in a foul mood, then there’s probably not much you can do about it anyway.
Scream occasionally when you feel it is all out of control
There is no doubt that there will be times when you think you’ll explode with frustration. This is the time to walk into another room, rant and rave without her hearing, and then return to calmly continue your discussion with her.
Enjoy life with her anyway
Never lose your sense of humour – your child certainly won’t lose hers. No matter how awkward she was with you today, try to laugh and joke together – this is the most effective way of strengthening your bond, and keeps her feeling safe and secure in your company.
