If your child is suddenly ashamed of her background, don’t be too hard on her, says DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON, who shows you how to help her think more positively.
Age by stage 7-9 years
If your child is suddenly ashamed of her background, don’t be too hard on her, says DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON, who shows you how to help her think more positively.
You come from a very humble background and your kid never had a problem with that – until now. At her new school, most of her classmates live in condos and landed homes, whereas you live in a modest three-room HDB flat. Their parents have at least one car; you don’t.
When they go on vacation, it’s to the US or Europe, whereas you’re content with the occasional trip up to Malaysia. Now, you’ve noticed that she never asks to bring friends over and she doesn’t want you to be seen in her school, even though you want to support her during school events where parents are invited. You suspect that she is ashamed of her family background, but she denies it when you ask her.
You just want her to feel better about herself and her family. Don’t judge your nine-yearold too harshly, though – her reaction is typical when a child experiences a clash of cultures, social structures or economics. Like her, I was raised in social housing, in a lowincome single-parent family. That wasn’t a problem for me when I was young because my childhood friends and I were all from the same social background.
However, when I was a tween, I joined a sports club in another part of the city and I was delighted to make lots of new friends there. However, when I eventually learnt they were all from much wealthier families with large houses and more money to spend, I was initially very embarrassed by my own lower-class home surroundings.
Yet much to my amazement, I gradually understood that all those new friends loved visiting my home because it was so warm, family-oriented and accepting – they didn’t care about parental income, or about the number of cars we had. I eventually grasped that friendship, self-esteem and self-worth is about having confidence in yourself and your family – it’s not about money. Your child has yet to find this out for herself. Here are five things you can say to help her view her background more positively:
“Your friends like you for who you are, not for what you have.” Your kid is afraid that her peers will reject her because of her humble origins, so reassure her that they like and respect her for her personality, talents and abilities.
“If you behave as if you are ashamed of your background and your family, your friends at school will start to make fun of you.” Explain that her own attitude affects how others perceive her. So if she appears to be embarrassed about her family background in front of her friends, they will sense that and possibly tease her.
“You are a wonderful child, a wonderful daughter and a wonderful friend. Have confidence in yourself.” Remind your tween of all her achievements in and out of school, of all her friends who like her and of how much you love her. Pointing out her strengths encourages her self-confidence and reduces negative thoughts.
“When you invite friends over to the house, I’ll make sure there is plenty to eat and that you have lots of fun together.” Your promise that the house will be clean and tidy, that her friends will have plenty to do, and that there will be lots of food and refreshments. This will encourage her to risk inviting some friends over.
“We are a warm loving family who care for each other very much. You can’t buy that with money, cars, large houses and expensive holidays.” Your child doesn’t know that more family income is not a guarantee of more family happiness. Tell her that she does not actually know what family life is like for her wealthy friends.
Explain that her own attitude affects how others perceive her. So if she appears to be embarrassed about her family background in front of her friends, they will sense that and possibly tease her.
