You’ve just broken up and you’re devastated. But no-one’s bringing you tubs of Ben & Jerry’s because you’re the bad guy here. What do you do if you’ve broken a heart?
You’ve just broken up and you’re devastated. But no-one’s bringing you tubs of Ben & Jerry’s because you’re the bad guy here. What do you do if you’ve broken a heart?
Fact:
Break-ups are a heart-wrenching cluster of feels. And usually, following a break-up, while you’re feeling down and out, you’re inundated with love from all of your friends, not to mention countless hugs from your mum. But it’s high stakes in break-up currency to be cheated on, abandoned or dumped via Snapchat... although, this time, it’s you who did the dirty. The support and sympathy have subsided and you are left dealing with a serious case of the guilts. Here, we asked clinical psychologist Tal Schlosser to give us her tips on how to handle some of the heartwrenching cards love can deal.
So, you cheated…
Look, there’s no beating around the bush – you did wrong. You deviated from your partner without them knowing, and society says, “Yeah, you shouldn’t have done that.” You’ve heard all the moral lectures from friends, family and every person in the cyber world who caught wind of your wandering eye. But despite popular opinion, this isn’t a licence to berate yourself forever, or let anyone else do it. “While you do need to accept the consequences of your actions and any hurt you’ve caused, you need to also be kind and compassionate towards yourself,” says Tal. “We all make errors in judgement and cause hurt at times – it’s called being human. Beating yourself up will only make things worse and make it much harder to deal with the problem in a helpful way.” You know you could have handled the situation better (like leaving one partner before going to the next!). But it’s time to apologise where you feel it’s applicable and then make the effort to move on with your life. We all have room for improvement for ourselves as well as our future relationships.
You chose an overseas job over love…
These days, this is a really common thing. But that doesn’t make it any easier, especially if your ex-partner is someone you loved, or perhaps you still love. And yet, you chose the job. It’s a very hard concept for people to grasp but, luckily, your choice to do this is no-one else’s business but yours. Not even your ex’s. “Common beliefs (often perpetuated by Hollywood) are that love conquers all, or that love is enough, but life is more complicated than that,” says Tal. “Occasionally, we may face decisions where none of the options are completely perfect. Make room for these feelings; they may not be comfortable, but they’re necessary. Face up to them with some compassion, to yourself and the person you’re leaving, and it will serve you better in the long run.” You didn’t make the decision out of any sort of malice; you made it because it was the best one for you at the time. And those people who should be in your life, which can include your ex, will be happy for you, despite their own pain at seeing you leave.
You walked away from an engagement…
No, not the ninja escape move we all pull to exit other people’s engagement parties. You were asked (or even did the asking) to share in a lifelong commitment with your partner. Initially, there was a “yes”, but you have since realised that it wasn’t what you wanted. The difference between a relationship break-up and an engagement break-off is the immediate judgement from everyone around you. “Understandably, it is a difficult situation for all involved. Not only will you be trying to cope with your own feelings, but also those of your family and friends,” says Tal. “Accept that you only have control over your actions, and that you cannot control what others think of you.” This is one of those “easier-said-than-done” things, but hell, doing what is right for you and pleasing everyone else was never going to be easy. “Give your friends and family time,” Tal suggests. “If they are unable to accept you for who you are – warts and all – then you will need to accept that as their personal choice.”
You left the “nice guy”
“He’s amazing!” says everyone else. But while someone may be Zac Efron-perfect on paper, without chemistry connecting the two of you, it’s not going to work. The problem is, you probably started seeing him in the first place because he was such a nice guy. And maybe you’ve stuck it out for as long as you did because he was such a nice guy, thinking you’d surely come around, right? Well, no, not always. It’s the right decision to leave when you aren’t feeling it. The only problem is, your friends will give you grief as to why you left Mr Perfect high and dry. “It isn’t possible for anyone else to really understand your relationship and your reasons for ending it, so this is likely to feel isolating,” says Tal. “Seek support from the people in your life who care about you unconditionally, and those who accept your choices even if they’re different to their own.” Also, spend some time considering why you left. If you’ve had a string of less-thanawesome guys, maybe try and re-route your criteria for love. However, if you’re just not keen, stick to your guns and move on!
