Feeling guilty is part of the parenting experience. So when things go wrong, don’t mope; learn to cope instead with these suggestions by DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON.
Feeling guilty is part of the parenting experience. So when things go wrong, don’t mope; learn to cope instead with these suggestions by DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON.
Do dads operate differently from mums? It appears that your husband doesn’t feel guilty about, say, going to supper with the boys instead of staying home with you and Baby. But the truth is, he does.
Here are the different ways dads and mums manage guilt:
Dads feel guilt as much as mums, but they often handle it in a different way. Dads generally talk less than mums about their emotions and concerns as a parent. Instead of discussing these feelings, dads may prefer to keep them to themselves and hope that the guilt disappears more quickly. This doesn’t suit every dad; nor does it always work.
They view the world in practical terms, and take a “what’s done is done” approach. Even if dads make parenting mistakes, for example, losing it with a non-cooperative infant, they quickly consider the incident closed and move on. Mums, on the other hand, spend more time reflecting on these feelings of guilt.
Dads attribute blame to others. For example, they are likely to blame the child for causing the problem. In contrast, mums tend to blame themselves for what happened so they have stronger feelings of guilt.
Compared to mums, dads have a greater sense of entitlement. That’s why men who attended football matches every weekend assume they can continue to do this after the baby arrives. On the other hand, mums often expect to give up their pre-baby interests.
They assign the nurturing role to their wives. In other words, dads see themselves more as a provider than nurturer, so they focus less on how they parent the kids than how they can support the family financially.
Of course, these are generalisations and do not apply to all parents – there are plenty of husbands who experience parenting guilt more than their wives.
Feel like a bad parent? First, ask yourself these questions:
Am I too quick to blame myself when things go wrong?
Pause for a moment to consider what actually happened before you allowed yourself to feel guilty.
Do I always assume that everything is my fault?
There is a possibility that someone else had some responsibility for the mistake, not only you.
Is it wrong for me to have some “me time”?
Everybody – mums and dads – needs time for themselves, so there is nothing wrong in enjoying some fun.
Do I share enough baby-care duties with my spouse?
The more you handle every task yourself, the more likely you are to feel guilty when things go wrong.
Do I worry too much about my parenting mistakes?
While it is important to learn from mistakes, be prepared to leave the guilt behind and move on.
