Why is your sweet-natured primary schooler turning into a tween with attitude? DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON explains this challenging phase.
Why is your sweet-natured primary schooler turning into a tween with attitude? DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON explains this challenging phase.
You felt sure your tween respected you. Yet last week, when you asked to talk to her about her homework, she snapped: “Shut up, Mum! I’m trying to watch this video.” You were stunned by such rudeness.
If she speaks like that to you on a regular basis, then consider possible explanations. While this could be a sign that she has become cheeky and disrespectful, it’s much more likely that she is just expressing her natural desire to become independent and to show that she is old enough now make her own decisions.
She feels confident enough to tell you that she wants to choose when she stops watching her video. That doesn’t mean her disrespectful response is justified, but it may help you understand her motivation.
Was I rude?
Most parents react to a disrespectful comment either by being stunned into silence at their child’s unexpected assertiveness, or by giving an instinctive knee-jerk reprimand to her for speaking so rudely like that.
If you feel your anger boiling up, try to control your temper. Although your child’s retort has upset you, remember that she probably doesn’t realise that she was disrespectful. As far as she is concerned, she probably thinks she just told you truthfully what she thought at the time. Your anger would only cause an unnecessary confrontation.
Your tween might not even grasp why you are so annoyed with her because she isn’t aware that she has done anything wrong to upset you.
Instead, be honest with her. Find a moment later in the day when the both of you can sit down together, for a quiet chat, without interruption.
Then calmly explain that you were very hurt by her comment to you earlier in the day (remind her of what she said to you), and that you were upset by her lack of respect.
Emphasise to her that your responsibility as a parent is to look after her, and that sometimes this means making decisions and giving instructions that she doesn’t like.
Your child has to understand that she lives as part of a family, in which everyone has to consider each other. Ask her how she would feel if you snapped rudely at her to shut up – this will help her understand your emotions.
Think before you talk
Discourage her from showing a lack of respect by explaining the possible consequences. Point out that other people would be upset to hear her speak so disrespectfully to you, or to anyone else for that matter.
For instance, such language would shock her teachers, her grandparents, aunts and uncles would be very disappointed with her, and her friends may be very surprised and unsettled by it, too.
Setting out possible practical implications enables your child to realise speaking rudely towards you reflects very badly on her.
But that doesn’t mean you expect her to obey every instruction silently or to sit quietly without ever voicing her own opinion.
Help your child develop the ability to express her point of view without upsetting the listener. Suggest, for example, that she should not say something that would upset her if someone else said it to her.
Likewise, suggest that she shouldn’t challenge you just for the sake of it, but only when she feels particularly strongly about it. And if she does have a different point of view or plan, she should try to express it positively.
For example, instead of saying “Shut up, Mum! I’m trying to watch this video”, she could say “I know you want me to do my homework now, but I wonder if you would let me watch this video for a couple more minutes.”
Speaking respectfully while still getting her point across makes everyone feel good about themselves.
