You think your kid is the former; the other children know he’s the latter, and they don’t like hanging around him. It’s time you stepped in to correct his behaviour, says DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON.
Age by stage 3-4 years
You think your kid is the former; the other children know he’s the latter, and they don’t like hanging around him. It’s time you stepped in to correct his behaviour, says DR RICHARD C. WOOLFSON.
You have always encouraged your child to be assertive and to behave like a leader. But now you have discovered that your four-year-old is so bossy, no one wants to play with him at parties. You want to redress the balance, without denting his confidence or making him afraid to express his opinion when he is with his friends. But first, it’s important to understand the difference between the two attitudes. An assertive child:
• Stands up for himself when confronted. He knows his own mind and is willing to express it clearly and objectively.
• States his opinion confidently and without offending the listener. His view is based on positive reasons, not on criticisms of his friends’ views.
• Believes in himself while remaining sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others around him. He doesn’t want to upset his peers.
• Ss given a leadership role by the other kids because they have confidence in him and willingly follow his directions. On the other hand, a bossy child:
• Thinks only about himself and about what he wants. He is not prepared to change his mind even if everyone else disagrees with him.
• Does not care if his peers are unhappy with his opinion because he is insensitive to their thoughts and feelings.
• Likes to be in charge of those around him and discourages any of his friends from having an opinion that differs from his.
• Grabs a leadership role quickly from the other children and they don’t challenge him because they are afraid of his likely negative reaction.
It’s not difficult to see the difference between a bossy child (his peers follow his demands but don’t seem particularly happy about it, and will try to arrange social groups that exclude him whenever possible) and an assertive one (his peers are happy to follow his suggestions, and they actively include him in their social groups whenever possible.) Here are some strategies you can use to help your child become the latter rather than the former:
Develop his listening skills Encourage your preschooler to respect the views of his peers and to listen to their ideas instead of dismissing them immediately. Even if he disagrees with what they say, he should give other children plenty of opportunities to say what they think without fear of criticism. He need not be afraid to let others speak up.
Encourage empathy Ask your kid how he would feel if someone pushed him around like that. This probably hasn’t occurred to him at all, so give him a couple of minutes to reflect on this. Once he looks at himself from the perspective of his peers, he’ll start to understand what it feels like to be pushed around.
Don’t make him feel bad Resist the temptation to scold him for the way he dominates his peers, as that would lower his self-esteem. Instead, praise the positive aspects of his behaviour, for instance, his appreciation of rules, his concern that others behave too. He’ll be more willing to listen when he feels you support rather than criticise him.
Explain the consequences Point out that his peers will eventually exclude him from their activities if he continues to dominate them. Give one or two examples when he hasn’t been invited to a party that his other friends attended.
Suggest alternative strategies Offer ways that he could react assertively without appearing bossy. For instance, he could use a lighter tone in his voice when expressing an opinion, he could speak more softly when putting his ideas forwards, and he could look attentively while other children present their views.
Even if he disagrees with what they say, he should give other children plenty of opportunities to say what they think without fear of criticism.
