If you haven’t already watched Shu An’s “My 5-Minute Magic Routine #UnicornMoment Ep.6” on her YouTube channel (@oonshuan), go do so. Now. In it, Shu An tackles the subject of beauty with her characteristic sensitivity, confessing that when it comes to feeling beautiful, “I don’t know what it means to love myself, so I don’t know how to tell you how to love yourself.” We caught up with the actor and she shares what she’s learnt since then.
If you haven’t already watched Shu An’s “My 5-Minute Magic Routine #UnicornMoment Ep.6” on her YouTube channel (@oonshuan), go do so. Now. In it, Shu An tackles the subject of beauty with her characteristic sensitivity, confessing that when it comes to feeling beautiful, “I don’t know what it means to love myself, so I don’t know how to tell you how to love yourself.” We caught up with the actor and she shares what she’s learnt since then.
Camps. Camps were always so much fun. School camps, sports camps, leadership training camps, arts camps and so on. On top of being fun, there were so many great lessons you learnt at these camps. We learnt how to work together as a team towards a common goal (throw that raw egg down without breaking it! Parachute or Net?). We ended up bonding with people we may never have spent more than 10 minutes with on a normal day (learning what it was like not to have a clique in the process). Camps taught us the unexpected value that people could bring (hello, person who brought the toothpaste!) and how to respect people, ourselves included (this could possibly take a few camps).
Camps were a safe environment to become better and stronger. And every time, I would leave feeling like I could take on the world with all these new skills. But then, within a month back in ‘the real world’, it was like all my newfound super-powers had almost disappeared!
That’s kind of how I feel when I see quotes about how I need to love myself in order to be beautiful. Self-love is like the skills you get at camp – you tend to lose it after a while because every day, we are faced with things that force us to question if we are worthy of our own love. Because we all have different goals and standards of what we think are acceptable conditions for self-love.
I would really like to believe that self-love is achievable, and sustainable, through sheer willpower alone. That would be ideal, right? But then I hear things from people I know; things like: ‘My PE teacher told me as I stepped off the weighing scale – “Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten that Mars Bar.”’ The woman who told me this worked at a refugee camp and for the International Justice Mission.
And this, from multiple people: ‘My family has never stopped telling me that I need to lose weight.’ Slimming centres, constant diet plans, suggesting breast reduction surgeries… I could go on. I’ve heard this from a counsellor, someone who works with youths at risk, and a teacher.
‘He’s too handsome for you.’ She is now a… hang on. Why do I need to justify a person’s worth by the work she does? ‘My daughter not pretty, lah. Got someone want to marry her, I happy already.’ What she is now? A human being.
Growing up, I remember very clearly that for a period of time, the one thing I really wanted to be when I grew up… was pretty. I would stand in front of my mirror, look at myself and pray/wish/will, ‘Please, when I grow up, please let me be pretty. Please. Then people would like me. I could be successful, and do good things, and life would be good.’
As an actor, the number of times I’ve gotten character breakdowns describing the way a person looks in the first line? More than I can count. And I am aware that next to this is a photo of me, fully done up (and photoshopped) with hair and makeup that I stressed a lot about because I wanted to look ‘right’. Because I want to be ‘marketable’ as an actor. Am I complaining? I think that I’ve become very aware of the realities of the industry that I chose. Can things change? I think so.
‘I’m so excited for the day when I can feel beautiful. I believe it will happen, even though there are times I want to give up.’ – This was a comment on my video, written by Hitomi S.
Looking at the comments on that video, the stories that people have shared simultaneously floor me and give me strength in knowing that we are not alone. And I’m starting to think that the burden of self-love is not something that we can, or should, shoulder alone. After all, the camping spirit was all about learning, growing and becoming… together. Why should that stop, just because we’ve gotten a little bit older?
My #UnicornMoment: Parachute or Net? Maybe just whatever it takes to make a safe landing. As for beauty, we all need to find our own way there. In the meantime:
Be kind to those whom you don’t understand. Bring the toothpaste.
Respect each other’s beauty standards. And let’s share our stories and change the world, one camp at a time
