Don’t Call Me Mr Mum

More men are quitting their jobs to devote themselves to caring for their children. Give these full-time fathers some encouragement.

Portrait of Tammy Strobel

More men are quitting their jobs to devote themselves to caring for their children. Give these full-time fathers some encouragement.

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Don’t say “Looking after a baby is a woman’s job.”

Why you shouldn’t say this This suggests that only mothers are good at raising children and fathers don’t have much to do with parenting.

Given that this father has chosen to stay at home to look after his baby, he clearly feels ready to meet the parenting challenges and doesn’t need your negative comments, which at best will sour your relationship with him, and at worst will dent his confidence.

Every parent makes a positive contribution to his child’s upbringing in his own way.

Say instead “Caring for a baby isn’t easy, but I think you’ll manage fine.”

Don’t say “You’ll have an easy life now that you have given up work.”

Why you shouldn’t say this A stay-at-home dad is occupied from the moment Baby wakes up (and that’s assuming he doesn’t share night-feeding duties with Mum) until she goes to sleep (assuming the baby sleeps through a reasonable chunk of the night without waking).

There is rarely downtime. When Baby is asleep, he’ll be busy with other chores, such as washing the clothes and preparing meals. So, he’ll resent your suggestion that he has chosen an easy option.

Say instead “I hope you manage to get a break sometimes.”

Don’t say “I bet you feel strange being stuck with your baby all day.”

Why you shouldn’t say this Most stay-at-home dads find themselves in the minority at playgroups, which can be quite disorienting for them.

Part of the challenge for them is to feel comfortable in a role typically occupied by the mother, although the balance is gradually evening out now as more fathers take extended paternity leave. Saying that he’ll feel strange only makes him more self-conscious.

Say instead “I think you’ll adapt well to being a stay-athome dad.”

Don’t say “I bet you can’t wait to become the breadwinner again.”

Why you shouldn’t say this Maybe he is desperate to get back to work so he can fulfil the traditional role of an economic provider. Or, maybe he recognises that he derives as much satisfaction from having prime responsibility for looking after his child. 

Some fathers are relieved to be released from the pressures of the workplace, especially if their wives have well-paid careers. Raising a child brings its own rewards, even if it doesn’t come with an attractive salary and paid leave.

Say instead “I wonder if you miss work as much as you thought you would.”

Don’t say “Your wife must be delighted that she can put her feet up and rest when she comes home from work.”

Why you shouldn’t say this Expectations of shared caregiving apply no matter who stays at home to care for Baby. Just as Dad is expected to play his part when he returns from work – helping with feeding, changing, washing and playing – the same applies to a working mother.

A stay-at-home dad is responsible for caring for the baby while Mum is out, but it changes when she returns. Any suggestion that the caregiving responsibility is his every hour of the day will be met with horror.

Say instead “I expect your wife gets involved as soon as she comes home from work.” 

Raising a child brings its own rewards, even if it doesn’ t come with an attractive salary and paid leave.

ILLUSTRATION CHENG PUAY KOON.

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