Lasting relationships take time and effort. Just how can you make yours stronger? Find out here.
Lasting relationships take time and effort. Just how can you make yours stronger? Find out here.
#1 What do I appreciate about our relationship?
“Every relationship has its ups and downs. But couples in troubled relationships tend to always focus on the ‘negative’ aspects. This can make your partner feel unappreciated, devalue the relationship and lead to resentment,” says Vyda Chai, clinical psychologist at Th!nk Psychological Services. Instead, she suggests focusing on the positive. “Acknowledge when your partner does something nice. When you show appreciation, it makes it easier for your partner to show appreciation in return.”
#2 What aspects of the relationship need to change, and what would my husband say about them?
Think about changes in your relationship from his perspective, too. It can be a reality check, says life coach Lindsay Tighe. Actually naming what you’d like to do differently in your relationship can remove some of the anxiety of making changes too, she says. “People also don’t think about what they could change for the better in their relationship when there isn’t much wrong,” adds Lindsay. “But that’s the time to discuss your ideal vision and what that vision looks like for you and your husband.”
#3 What do I need to work on?
Over time it’s easy to take a relationship and a partner for granted. “Do you treat your husband with respect?” asks Dr Mandy Deeks, an Australia-based psychologist. “Do you say goodbye when you leave home? Do you spend time with each other?” Think about what you could do to improve the quality of your relationship. Then understand his perspective on plans and problems and ask him to tell you more about that, because your curiosity shows you care, says Dr Deeks.
#4 Who has an ideal relationship and what can I learn from them?
This question can help you get out of a rut. “We may learn from those around us and use this knowledge to improve ourselves and our relationships. Others can help us understand what we want or would like to avoid in our relationships,” says Vyda. “Remember that every relationship is unique, so focus on communicating instead of comparing your partner with another person.”
#5 What will happen if nothing changes?
Ask yourself this question, and answer it as honestly as possible. Often we need a catalyst or a reason to make changes. This question may cause a little pain but without pain there is no gain, says Lindsay. “Think about how you will continue to feel if your relationship doesn’t change. If you don’t want to feel that way, you have to take action and do something about it,” she explains. “Think about the worst-case scenarios as that will give you some motivation to make changes.”
#6 What can I do to help my husband understand me?
“Never assume that your partner knows what you are thinking. It is difficult enough for us to understand ourselves completely. Don’t expect him to pick up your non-verbal hints. Know what you need, and choose the right time to articulate it,” says Vyda. “Don’t bring up a difficult subject when the house is in chaos. Schedule in some time alone, go somewhere quiet, and try to get to the point to reduce any misunderstanding.”
#7 If I demonstrated that I value this relationship, what would I do differently?
It’s easy to drift but if you are serious about keeping a relationship healthy, show your husband that you value the relationship. So ask yourself if there are things you could do differently to demonstrate the importance you place on being with him. Could you spend more time together, take up new interests together or fight less? “Ask yourself: What time and effort do you put into making your relationship feel special?” says Lindsay.
#8 What do you need from me in this relationship?
“While you may have a good sense of what your husband likes, you cannot possibly understand the complexity of his thoughts and feelings. It is important to communicate clearly what you need from your partner and ask him what he needs as well. Clarity is important for any relationship to function,” says Vyda. This question also lets him know that you care about his needs and value the relationship you have with him.
#9 Who am ‘I’? And who are ‘We’?
This is a question to ask yourself and your husband. Do you have an identity in your relationship, or is your relationship your identity? One partner may be more dominant so then you may start to feel that you and your needs are at the bottom of the pile. “If you’ve always done what someone else wants you to do then you can get niggly and angry,” says Dr Deeks. “Think about who you are as a couple, think about your role in the relationship and what you’d like it to be, talk to him about this, listen and work out the ‘I’ and ‘We’ together.”
#10 How do you communicate?
Ask yourself if you communicate through anger? Do you start every sentence with “you drive me crazy” or “you don’t understand me”? Or do you say “I know you are stressed, I know you are busy and I know it’s hard to find the time, but I really need you to listen”. “Find a way to communicate that is respectful and do it in a kind way and you are likely to have a more successful relationship,” says Dr Deeks. “Treat each other as you would a friend, expect respect and use ‘I’ statements, not ‘you’ statements. And pick your moment!”. W.
TEXT: BAUER SYNDICATI ON / ADDITIONAL REPORTING: ANNIE TAN / PHOTOS: CORBIS.