You can give your sex life and bedroom confidence a lift no matter how long you’ve been married, as the experts reveal
You can give your sex life and bedroom confidence a lift no matter how long you’ve been married, as the experts reveal
From staying in the moment to clearing the air, there are many things you can do to maintain a satisfying sex life, or to help you rekindle a lackluster love life, after marriage.
Clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, Dr Martha Tara Lee, says, “Some couples may go through a season of low sex drive, because they are going through life changes like a new baby, moving house, or changing jobs. This is normal, but do seek professional help if this goes on for six months or longer.” There’s no need to be embarassed if your sex life needs a boost: Plenty of married couples go through temporary dry spells. Here, leading sex therapists share their ideas on how to give your sexual relationship a helping hand.
1 Give your body enough rest.
“Here in Singapore, the biggest cause of low sex drives is exhaustion. All my clients say they are tired and not getting enough sleep, and that they are not in the mood for sex.
“When I ask them what they think they should do, they invariably feel that they need to push themselves harder, be more determined, and fight for their relationship. Some of them even feel like they need to buy things like sex toys to help speed things up.
“But what they actually need is more rest. We need be more gentle to ourselves, and take care of our bodies. It is so important to guard our time and say no to some things, so we can have time to ourselves.”
2 Don’t worry about what you think your body looks like.
“So many people worry about the ageing of their body, or they worry about their weight or size or shape and they forget that their body is a source of great pleasure. One minute you are having sex and having a lovely time and then your mind takes over and you think ‘What if he touches my cellulite’ or ‘What if he notices this or that bit of my body?’ “Remain totally in the moment and experience the physical sensations during sex, rather than judging and being a spectator. Have a conversation in your head along the lines of ‘It feels really great when he touches me there, I really like that part of his body, he looks hot from this angle, I love the way he smells right now…’
“Focusing on the senses puts you in the here and now. And remember that anyone who loves you is not running a judgement conversation in their head about cellulite or your belly – they are thinking about how good it feels to be with you.” – Tanya Koens, sex therapist.
3 Be realistic and aim for the 20:60:20 ratio.
“If your sexual experience is very good 20 per cent of the time and good for 40 to 60 per cent, you’re doing well. Don’t worry about the remaining 20 per cent because you can’t expect a perfect performance every time.
“Not every sexual experience will be mind-blowing. You don’t need to orgasm every time either. Instead, try to think about the other benefits of sex, such as it making you feel closer and more connected to your spouse.
“And don’t think that everyone around you is having lots of sex. They aren’t!” – Jocelyn Klug, sexologist and relationship therapist.
4 Remember that sex starts well before the sexual act starts.
“Sex can start with a simple conversation, but it goes beyond that.
It begins with incidental intimacy – the little things people think are sexual.
People think sex starts with kissing or touching, but it starts with what you’ve been doing for each other for the past 24 hours, the past few days, week or month.
“Small things matter – a kiss, a hug, holding hands while you’re watching television, rubbing your spouse’s shoulders. Those small acts build up to mean something bigger.
“So, think about what small things you’ve done lately that would encourage your husband to want to have sex with you.” – Dr Christopher Fox, sex therapist.
5 Try something new, one thing at a time.
“Sex can be boring when you have it the same way all the time. Most people who do this are in a habit, and not wanting to rock the boat because they’re nervous or are not comfortable with exploring different things. If you find you’re caught in a rut or routine, you can talk about it gently and say ‘Sweetheart, I find that when we have sex we always seem to do it in the same way, how about we try doing this?’ “Don’t try to do too many new things at the same time; just try one new thing first. Sometimes we get a little impatient, and go on this big quest to shake things up.
“Maybe you can make a bucket list of things you’ve always wanted to try.
Pick something that will challenge you a little bit. Try stroking your husband in a different way; that in itself can be new and exciting.” – Dr Martha Tara Lee.
6 Be responsible for your own sexual pleasure.
“Both people in a relationship are responsible for their own sexual pleasure. Sometimes one of you can think it’s the other person’s responsibility to initiate sex or to give pleasure, perhaps because of the myth that nice girls don’t initiate sex.
“Take responsibility for initiating and creating your own pleasure and find your sexual voice to say what you like and want. And remember, if you wait for the spontaneous desire for sex that you may have had in the beginning of the relationship, you might be waiting until the cows come home!
7 Clear the air.
“Try and resolve arguments quickly, because anger and resentment can kill passion. If your husband is hurt about something you did or didn’t do, acknowledge it and say ‘Yes, you’re right. I did that.’ It stops the argument quickly, because you validate your spouse by recognising that they are upset at that moment.
“And if you are the angry one, look out for when your husband makes a repair attempt – he may make a joke or a comment about something routine. It will be something seemingly small, but it is an attempt to connect. But if you’re angry and roll your eyes and block the repair attempt, that will affect sex. Your spouse will think, if you’ve just been rolling your eyes at me, I won’t want to have sex with you; I won’t feel that generous.” – Tanya Koens
8 Communicate confidently.
“A lot of people don’t speak up in the bedroom because they’re afraid of losing that magical moment, or of hurting their spouse emotionally by saying the wrong thing, as if speaking additional reporting: lisa twang / Photos: tpg news, 123RF.com will break the spell. When we’re naked, we can feel really vulnerable.
“Ask how your husband likes to be touched, how to make sex better, and what you can do for him. And when he gives you feedback, be mentally prepared not to take it personally.
Some people take any feedback like it is criticism, and that is why their spouse is afraid to speak up. But you can say, “Don’t worry, you’re not going to hurt my feelings, I really want to know. I just want this session to be about you.” “It may be easier to just keep quiet, but set an intention to break that habit.
Say your husband’s name. Encourage him if he’s on the right track. When you like something, try asking: “Can I have more of that?” Start a conversation, and be lighthearted about it. Sex is meant to be fun; it’s amazing, wonderful, and sacred. And it doesn’t have to be perfect.” – Dr Martha Tara Lee.
9 Play the three-minute game.
“For three minutes at a time, each take turns to ask what you’d like from your spouse in terms of touching and intimacy. It makes you braver about saying what you want and like, and that makes sex more satisfying for both of you. Perhaps you’d like your husband to stroke your hair, rub your back, or do something more sensual.
People don’t ask for the kind of touch they don’t want, so it also lets you know what your husband wants, and your husband finds out what kind of sexual touch you enjoy.” – Tanya Koens.
10 Make sure you have time for sex.
“Trying to have sex at night is possibly the worst time because our bodies want to wind down.
Decide on a time together when you can have sex without feeling tired and rushed, so you can prepare yourselves and get into the mood.
“I suggest that if neither of you have anything happening on Friday evening or Saturday morning, what about you spend time together? You can both get in the right frame of mind and look forward to that time. And plan sex for times when you know the children aren’t going to be around, visitors aren’t likely to knock on the door and you don’t have to rush off to work.”
