He Says She Says

Bickering over the smallest things with your man? Discover the triggers and prevent further fallout.

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Bickering over the smallest things with your man? Discover the triggers and prevent further fallout.

Every couple fights: There’s no question about it. But if your little niggles are turning into huge blowouts, it’s time to address the issues threatening your union. More often than not, happy marriages get bogged down by the same problems that occur time and time again, and they’re perfectly normal. “In every kind of relationship, there will be many issues and challenges. Even the most successful relationships have conflict,” says Swanie Khoo, Marriage and Family Therapist at Relationship Matters. We diagnose the most common argument triggers here:

HE SAYS
“She doesn’t make me feel appreciated”

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the amount of responsibilities that pile up on you, at work and at home. For most of us, a coping mechanism to overcome these pressures is to unload on those nearest and dearest to us: Our spouses. It’s no wonder some men feel underappreciated when their wives come home and bombard them with a list of things that need to be taken care of, instead of an outpouring of affection.

Diana Chandra, Head of Counselling and Principal Psychotherapist at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre, says when a person feels neglected or underappreciated, it usually leads to a relationship disconnect that could heighten his or her sense of inferiority. “In cases like these, we see intimacy take a toll and eventually the neglected partner will feel unloved,” says Diana.

Keep the peace: Taking time to compliment your significant other will go a long way towards making them feel secure in the relationship. “Learn to get in touch with each other’s feelings, and let your husband know you empathise with his state of emotions,” says Diana.

HE SAYS
“She cares more about her job than me”

About 50 per cent of Singaporeans who indicated they do not spend sufficient quality time with their loved ones feel that long working hours prevent them from spending more time with their families, according to a survey by Families For Life. “Being passionate about your work and career is a good thing, but it’s also important to find balance in your personal life,” says Swanie.

She notes that people spend so much time in the office that the personal connections they have in real life seem to get lost. “When a safe connection is broken, couples often get into ‘fight or flight’ mode. They blame, become aggressive to get a response, any response… or they shut down or try not to care,” she explains.

Keep the peace: Set some basic ground rules that will help you to distinguish between these different zones, like staying late at the office only every other day instead of five days a week, or switching off your phone after dinnertime.

HE SAYS
“We aren’t as romantic as we used to be”

Relationships change and evolve over time, so what attracted two people to each other in the first place could be the very same things that drive them to the brink of frustration day in and day out. It could also simply be that people start to get too preoccupied and stressed out with their daily lives to find time for romance, but Swanie warns this is a bad habit to keep.

“The reason why romance starts to fizzle out is because couples stop working on being emotionally available to each other,” she explains. “Essentially, you need to keep your emotional bonds strong, and this can only happen when both of you feel safe to connect, are always attuned to hear each other out, and can respond with kindness and reassurance.”

Keep the peace: Consider going on a short break. A change in environment may be all you need to inject some fun back into your relationship. “The idea is to never stop working on those emotional connections that are needed to create a trusting union with a loved one,” says Swanie.

SHE SAYS
“He never helps around the house”

According to a study published in the journal Work, Employment and Society, no matter how much more a woman earns or works outside of home, they are still in charge of the bulk of the housework. This can lead to constant disagreements. “It’s important to solve the moment instead of solving the problem.

Instead of attacking your spouse or becoming defensive by saying, ‘You didn’t do the dishes because you don’t care about me’, try turning it into a moment of self-disclosure and talk about your feelings by saying, ‘I feel neglected when you don’t help around the house’,” says Diana.

Keep the peace: “Clarifying your roles and expectations of each other would be helpful in minimising conflicts and establishing responsibilities,” she suggests. To ensure he pulls his weight around the house, try drawing up a chart of what needs to be done, and divvy up the chores equally.

SHE SAYS
“He spends way too much money on his hobbies”

Bills, budgets, and balancing cheque books are some the biggest argument triggers among couples. “People usually become gridlocked on issues that have some type of deeper symbolic meaning to them,” says Diana.

“For example, when the conflict is about money, budget and expenditure, one partner may have the perspective that she is being accused of being a spendthrift, or that he is a poor provider, and this has an impact on the person’s self-concept.” The conflict over money can take on many forms, but pinpointing the source of your spouse’s anxiety can be the key to finding a solution.

Keep the peace: “Develop strategies to deal with monetary conflicts effectively so you can avoid situations that will worsen them,” says Diana. One way to do this is to have an honest conversation about your finances, where you can learn more about each other’s spending habits and discuss how to curb them.

SHE SAYS
“He wants sex all the time”

Too often, sexual conflict gets swept under the table, as it tends to make people feel self-conscious and defensive when problems crop up in between the sheets. “Typically, the challenge is about talking about sex. In our Asian culture, we don’t talk about sex, and this means each person’s needs in the bedroom are often ignored, dismissed or even avoided,” says Swanie. “This then could inhibit them from dealing with the issues of sexual intimacy.”

Keep the peace: Talk, talk and talk some more when it comes sex. The more you talk about it, the better you’ll be able to explain what you like and don’t like. “When a couple feels at ease in their relationship, they become better at sharing their concerns, and talking about their problems in the bedroom,” explains Swanie.

SHE SAYS
“His family drives me nuts”

From meddling in-laws to snarky relatives, family matters can absolutely get in the middle of a marriage. But just because his parents rub you the wrong way, it’s not the end of the road. “It doesn’t mean you’re in an unhealthy relationship. It’s just another hurdle you need to navigate so it doesn’t derail your relationship,” explains Diana. “What matters is how you handle these challenges.”

The truth is, there’s no getting away from relatives even when they live in another country, but being proactive about the situation can help in managing relations. Remember your in-laws are important to your spouse and they’re part of your life, so it’s up to both of you to find a way to make the time you spend with your relatives as enjoyable as possible.

Keep the peace: If you’re the son-in-law or daughter-in-law in this equation, try to set realistic expectations for in-law relations. “Do try to understand how your spouse relates to his or her parents so you can learn about their dynamic. Don’t assume that their relationship will resemble the one in your family,” advises Diana.

Text: Natalya Molok / photo: 123rf.com.