When Jean discovered her husband was being unfaithful, she found friendship and support in the most unexpected way.
When Jean discovered her husband was being unfaithful, she found friendship and support in the most unexpected way.
“It was a Saturday evening three years ago. My husband and I were watching a movie at home, when my mobile phone rang. I scurried into the kitchen for some privacy. There was no caller ID, but I knew exactly who it was. I had been waiting for this call for over four months, wondering if it would ever come.
“‘Hello, Patrick*?’” I answered, nervously. ‘Jean?’ he replied.
“We’d never spoken before so it was awkward. I’d gotten in touch with him after I discovered that David* – my husband of eight years and the father of my two children (with another on the way) – was having an affair. That other woman was Patrick ’s wife.
“I didn’t know him personally, but I found out on social media that we shared distant mutual friends, so I badgered one of them to put us in touch. I had no idea if he knew our spouses were having an affair, and was desperate to find out. I knew he worked in the medical industry, and to get him to contact me, I pretended I needed advice about my pregnancy.
“‘Jean,’ he said in a terse his voice. ‘You’re too late. I have already divorced her’.”
TRACING IDENTITIES
“I’d stumbled upon my husband’s infidelity one evening while we were on his computer together. A message from a woman popped up at the top of the screen with this: ‘Darling David. Last night was wonderful. Wish we could be together more.’
“He claimed it was spam, but I mentally noted her name – Candice* – anyway. Then I set about finding out who she was. Facebook revealed that Candice was someone David knew through work. He confessed that she had a crush on him. He told me he was flattered, but insisted things never got sexual.
“‘We kissed once and that was it,’ David pleaded. ‘I thought of you and the kids, and I felt guilty.’
“I wanted to believe him but couldn’t. Despite his protests that nothing else had happened, I embarked on an in-depth investigation, which was very easy as I knew my husband’s social media passwords. To this day, I’m astounded that he didn’t change them.
“From Facebook, I also garnered that Candice had been friends with David for nine months. Over the next few weeks, I became obsessed with this stranger in her early 30s, clad in tight dresses with coiffed hair – and who was clearly in a relationship with my husband.
“I scoured all of her photos, and although her comments did allude to David, there were none with him. Here are a couple of examples of her posts: ‘Just received flowers from someone very special! Thx D XXX’; ‘Having a weekend of naughtiness and mystery. You?’
“I also discovered that Candice was married with a child. From deeper checking, her husband’s name was Patrick and he worked in the medical sector. I also knew he had tattoos – not much help.”
AT BREAKING POINT
“As time went on, my relationship with David deteriorated. He kept denying any interaction with Candice, but I knew otherwise. I was secretly checking his e-mails and phone messages, so I knew he was with her when he said he was at the gym. I also knew he was meeting her for clandestine weekends when he said he was off on overseas work trips.
“I didn’t tell him what I knew. I guess I was holding out for the right time – or trying to convince myself that this wasn’t happening. After all, we’d been married for so long and I was due to give birth again in a matter of weeks.
“His replies were always the same whenever I probed him: ‘Nothing is happening with Candice! She’s just mad and won’t leave me alone.’ “
"Enraged, but still needing answers I couldn’t get from David, I decided I had to speak with Candice’s husband. Going to her directly would only involve David, which I wasn’t yet prepared for.”
KINDRED SPIRITS
“That Saturday evening, when Patrick first called me, we spoke for half an hour. He explained that he’d discovered their affair a year previously. It was the final straw for him as she’d been unfaithful before.
“He said he admired my tenacity to track him down, and felt bad that he hadn’t contacted me while he was going through his divorce from Candice. I realised he wasn’t the weak husband I’d assumed him to be. And he was surprised that I wasn’t the meek wife I’d been portrayed as by David and Candice. “‘Eventually, I was relieved that
I had uncovered the affair,’ Patrick explained. ‘Once the trust had been destroyed it was difficult to rebuild.’
“He admitted that his discovery left him free to stop trying in the marriage. It helped him plan to leave Candice, and to move on without feeling so guilty for breaking up his family.
“For the following two months, I focused on my new daughter, looking after our two other kids and making plans to divorce David who, incredibly, still denied the affair.
“I didn’t tell him about Patrick as I knew it could interfere with prospective court proceedings, but he and I were in touch regularly, texting one another for support.
“When Patrick and I eventually met at a kopitiam, it didn’t feel strange. By then, we’d shared such private and painful insights with one another that we already felt like trusted friends. Naturally, we spoke about our spouses and shared all the evidence about their betrayal we had collated, such as text messages, images and e-mails.
“I asked a lot of questions about his ex-wife and he was happy to answer them. It hurt when he showed me pictures of Candice and David, and to hear some hard truths I was not aware of – like places they had been to together or moments they’d shared – and which Patrick had picked up on.
“As he’d been dealing with the circumstances for longer than I had, and he was already divorced, he was more rational. He shared great advice and was very kind when I spoke about my raw emotions.”
“We saw one another as kindred spirits, confidantes and co-conspirators. As I was collating details and preparing divorce papers, Patrick would call with info on his ex’s whereabouts. He also messaged me pep talks, motivational podcasts and texts.”
LIFELONG FRIENDS
“When I felt low, Patrick kept me high. When I lacked confidence, he would praise my strength. If I relayed the excuses David had made to me, he would shoot them down and explain why. In time, we laughed about the deception we’d both suffered. And when I finally submitted my affidavit two years ago, he was my champion.
“These days, we both lead such busy lives that there’s little opportunity for us to meet, but we keep in touch via Whatsapp all the time. We now no longer just speak about the past and my ongoing divorce, but our new life experiences. We talk about our children constantly, and share cooking, health and work tips.
“Ultimately, knowing Patrick is like holding a mirror up to myself. People may call us dumb because we stuck with cheaters for so long, but we are bound together by this.
“I believe we will be lifelong friends. I’m also in touch with his parents and his new girlfriend. She is a wonderful woman and I’m extremely happy for them. In fact, I’m waiting for my wedding invitation! We may have been thrown together through negativity but, along with my children, Patrick is one of the best gifts I have been given.”
