Some tension is so buried, you don’t even know it’s there. But it’s hurting your health and stealing your happiness. Here’s how to conquer it.
Some tension is so buried, you don’t even know it’s there. But it’s hurting your health and stealing your happiness. Here’s how to conquer it.
There’s a sneaky type of anxiety that lurks beneath your consciousness undetected for the most part but certainly not inert. This isn’t that obvious angst we feel when we’re under recognisable duress, but rather a vague mental and physical state that experts call iceberg stress, so named because the teeny tip that is apparent on the surface is nothing compared with what’s looming below.
“Iceberg stress can be triggered by habits so ingrained that we may not always be aware of them, such as perfectionism or negative self-talk,” explains David Lewis, a psychologist and fellow of the International Stress Management Association. For instance, you look at your neighbour’s house and lament that yours will never be as chic; at work, you worry that your boss is frustrated with you. This type of thinking becomes so automatic that you don’t even notice it, but the accompanying tension is building quietly and doing physical and emotional damage.
“Another way to understand iceberg stress is to think of it as like living next to a busy highway,” David continues. “After a while, you stop hearing the traffic. But that doesn’t mean the fumes and the noise aren’t getting to you.” In his research, David found that often people who said they weren’t stressed or anxious nonetheless had elevated levels of stress hormones such as adrenalin and cortisol. So what’s to blame? It may be a factor of today’s culture of busyness.
We’re spending more time than ever at work, according to studies from the Russell Sage Foundation, a US-based social science research organisation. Simultaneously, we’re spending less time taking part in the things that really relax us and give us joy, like relationships and hobbies.
“Often, stress is a sign that we aren’t doing what’s important to us, or that when we are, we aren’t noticing it because we’re too busy thinking about what we have to do next,” says Lizabeth Roemer, a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston in the US and a co-author of The Mindful Way Through Anxiety: Break Free from Chronic Worry and Reclaim Your Life.
On a crash course
If you don’t realise you’re stressed, you can’t deal with it, and that’s a big problem. “Over time, stress hormones cause inflammation and the release of damaging free radicals that wear down your natural defences,” says Peg Baim, director of the Stress Management and Resiliency Training Program at Massachusetts General Hospital in the US. “The effects of stress accumulate, and the body loses its ability to regulate cholesterol, blood sugar, metabolism and emotions.”
Your first line of defence is to recognise the signs of iceberg stress. If you’ve been criticising yourself and the people around you or ruminating on little problems that you consciously know aren’t worth it, you’re probably struggling. Not being able to cope with everyday aggravations is one of the surest clues, David says.
In addition, pay attention to the signals your body is sending you. “Everyone has a tell,” David says. For example, after a few hours at work, you may have back pain or a headache. “Your system is ramping up its production of stress hormones, like adrenalin, and increasing inflammation to give you the energy and protection it thinks you need to plough through,” Peg explains. “That’s how it deals with the tension. But that, in turn, can lower the brain’s threshold for added stress.”
Your next step is to try to ID what’s eating away at you. Each night before bed, jot down your feelings from throughout the day, David suggests. Don’t hold back – make note of anything that pops into your head. At the end of the week, read the entries and look for patterns, like recurring feelings of jealousy or inadequacy. These are things that contribute to iceberg stress. When they’re out in the open, you’ll be better able to recognise and deal with them going forward, he says.
Sink iceberg stress
Once you have a sense of what’s causing your tension, it’s time to find ways to minimise it. These techniques are proven to help.
GET PERSONAL
It takes face-to-face time with your tribe to really connect. “Facebook and texting can fill in some gaps,” says Jean, “but it’s sort of like eating junk food when what you really need is a healthy meal.”
As we all know, most people post only the good stuff on social media, tempting you to compare your life with theirs and to feel that you’re falling short – a big trigger of iceberg stress. But when you sit down and have a heart-to-heart with a friend, you get the whole story – the bad and the good – Jean says. Plus, it feels therapeutic to spill the latest details about what’s going on in your life. In the process, you might express thoughts and feelings that you didn’t even know were gnawing at you.
TONE DOWN YOUR WORKOUT (YOU READ THAT RIGHT!)
Your heart-thumping cardio blast is great for busting stress in general, but the problem with intense workouts is that they tend to focus on achieving some optimum goal (how many reps you do, how speedy you are), encouraging you to pressure yourself to beat your last PR or to out-exercise your fitness frenemy. That sense of competition and purpose can be fun and healthy, but if you’re really suffering from iceberg stress, it can exacerbate the matter.
Instead, every day until you feel calmer overall, set aside time to take an outdoor stroll, David says. If you’re really craving a sweat, pick up the pace and run, but leave your tracker at home, suggests Carrie Roldan, author of Run Yourself Happy: a five-week training program to release anxiety and create space for miracles. “Think ‘I need to run to feel good, to quiet my mind, and to be in nature’,” she says. “The point is to use running to connect to what really matters, so it becomes a meditation in motion.”
BREATHE BETTER
Each time your smartphone pings, take a deep belly breath, then slowly exhale before checking the notification. It may seem a little silly, but these moments of mindfulness add up to something powerful. Deep breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which slows your heart rate, delivers more oxygen to your brain, and turns off your body’s stress response, lowering levels of cortisol, Peg explains.
FIND YOUR PURPOSE
Ask yourself: “What matters most to me in life?” Then brainstorm ways to stay connected with that greater purpose every day. “When we’re connecting to something that’s really meaningful to us, it builds up a sort of buffer zone between ourselves and the constant pressures that contribute to below-the-surface stress,” says Jack Groppel, a founder of the US-based Johnson & Johnson Human Performance Institute.
CLAIM A MANTRA
The more you repeat negative, competitive or self-defeating thoughts (like “My butt never looks good in yoga pants” ), the more hardwired they become, Peg says. To keep these downer beliefs from sticking, find a few positive one-liners and make them your cell phone’s wallpaper. When you see them, repeat them to yourself so that they become fixed in your brain. Soon, they’ll crowd out the negative.
TAME TENSION FAST!
According to the University of Sussex in the UK, these activities help lower your stress by this much!
68% READ A PAGE-TURNER.
61% LISTEN TO YOUR FAVOURITE MUSIC.
54% SIP A CUP OF TEA OR COFFEE.
42% TAKE A WALK.
21% PLAY A VIDEO GAME.
“The effects of stress accumulate, and the body loses its ability to regulate cholesterol, blood sugar, metabolism and emotions.”
PEG BAIM, DIRECTOR OF THE S TRESS MANAGEMENT AND RESILIENCY TRAINING PROGRAM AT MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL HOSPITAL IN THE US
