Clarence* was widowed at 32 after his college sweetheart died of cancer. Five years on, he is learning how to be a husband once again. As told to JEANNE TAI.
Clarence* was widowed at 32 after his college sweetheart died of cancer. Five years on, he is learning how to be a husband once again. As told to JEANNE TAI.
“The toughest part after my first wife, Lydia*, passed on was just settling into life again. My daughter Kathy* was only three then, and I had no job – I’d stopped work to look after Lydia during her 16-month battle with cancer. Right after Lydia left this world, I went out and bought a guitar.
Then a new computer. For several nights after, I gamed till the wee hours of the morning while Kathy slept. I suppose these shiny toys distracted me from my loss. Being single again was terrifying; I saw myself as an ‘expired good’. I had a kid and couldn’t go out on dates as I had to stay home in the evenings.
The thought of starting a relationship all over again was daunting. And yet, it somehow happened. My second wife, Pamela*, was no stranger to me; she was Lydia’s close friend and after Lydia’s death, she spent time with Kathy. Once, when Kathy had to participate in a school play, I asked Pamela to help with her makeup. It was nice to see her so attentive, like a mother figure.
FINDING LOVE AGAIN
Pamela and I got together a year after Lydia’s death. It didn’t begin well though. We had hung out a couple of times; I stated that I wanted to know her better; she accused me of getting over Lydia too quickly; I felt judged and left it at that. But some months later, she apologised.
She’d thought it over and decided to give it a shot. Six months later, we were an item. Was I concerned about whether it was ‘too soon’? I guess the thing about cancer is that it isn’t a sudden death. For over a year, Lydia and I had mentally prepared ourselves. I had ample time to contemplate life as a widower, and we had talked about whether it would be okay for me to remarry.
It took a while for Lydia to give her blessings and when she finally did, it seemed to me like she had given her husband away. For me, remarrying was a practical consideration. Being a single dad was hard; my family live abroad and my daughter had just turned four then. I knew I couldn’t parent her alone.
Of course, there were those who felt I’d ‘got over’ Lydia too quickly, which I felt was unfair. I’ve tried to explain my stand, but ultimately, everyone has their point of view. I can’t change how they think.
LESSONS ON BEING A HUSBAND
I entered my second marriage thinking I knew how to be a good husband. I already knew the dos and don’ts: separate light and dark clothing in the wash; don’t leave the toilet seat up; and the like. But I realised a diferent wife needs a different husband. For instance, Lydia had been forthright and always dealt with disagreements head-on. Pamela, though, shuts off . I had to learn to take the initiative to address issues when they crop up. I’m relearning how to be a good partner.
“...I married her as a wife first, as a person I love and not someone who would look after my daughter. And I tell her how strong she was by taking on the challenge of marrying me.”
My advice if you’re dating a widower is to talk through any baggage early on. Pamela and I spoke about everything, from how she would relate to my late wife’s parents right down to where to display photographs of my first wife – that was a real issue, believe me!
My compromise was to remove the photos from the common areas, but still display them in Kathy’s room. I also told Pamela up front that my daughter is a huge part of my life. It wasn’t easy for her to become a wife and a mother right away, but it was important to talk through such expectations so we wouldn’t waste each other’s time.
CLOSING ONE CHAPTER
I treat my time with my first wife as part of the past. It’s a memory that cannot be forgotten, but it won’t hinder me from moving forward to create new memories. For instance, after my second marriage, I sold the flat I shared with Lydia and bought a new one. Financially, it made sense to stay put, but it was important for me to start afresh, and to help Pamela realise that she isn’t stuck in Lydia’s shadow.
I wanted her to know she has the freedom to be her own wife to me. But there are times when she feels inferior, especially when friends talk about how strong Lydia was for battling cancer. That’s when I’ll tell her about her strengths, about how she’s different, and that I married her as a wife first, as a person I love and not someone who would look after my daughter.
And I tell her how strong she was by taking on the challenge of marrying me. Losing my first wife has made me treasure the people around me more but also hold on to them less tightly; you need to be able to let go when the time comes. I think there’s nothing better you can give a loved one than your time. Money, status... you can earn all of that back someday, but time is something you can never get back.”
*Names have been changed to respect the privacy of Lydia’s family.
“Losing my first wife has made me treasure the people around me more but also hold on to them less tightly; you need to be able to let go when the time comes.”
