Is your friend dating a Gold Digger?

If so, how do you break it to them without ruining your friendship? Backed by professional opinions and a panel of women, we investigate how best to tell them (and if you should mention it at all). 

“I don’t want to see [my friends] get hurt, but if they’re happy, who am I to deny them their happiness?”

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, a gold digger is “a woman who becomes or tries to become romantically involved with a rich man in order to get money and gifts from him.” In 2005, Kanye West put it more bluntly: “when she leave your a**, she gon’ leave with half (sic).”

But today, it’s not so easy to identify someone who might not have your friend’s best interests at heart. So what would you do if your friend was dating someone who was just after their cash? Do you stand on the sidelines and let the relationship run its natural course? Or do you have a moral obligation to tell them and risk losing the friendship? As a good friend, you want to respect your friend’s choice, but you also want to see that they aren’t taken advantage of – it’s a double bind.

1 Comfortably close

How close you are to your friend is the determining factor on whether you should tell them. But even if it’s your BFF, be sure to not appear judgmental. No one likes to be told that they made a mistake, and well-meaning concern can be taken as an insult.

Sara*, who’s had friends date gold diggers before, says, “I don’t want to see [my friends] get hurt, but if they’re happy, who am I to deny them their happiness?” This is especially true if your friend is in the honeymoon phase. “While you may want to give your two cents’ worth, challenging a friend’s choice of partner too directly can be counterproductive,” says psychologist Anoushka Beh of Abehpsych Counselling. Staging an intervention during this period can elicit an “us against the world” vibe from the couple, pushing them closer together, and pulling your friendship apart. 

2 Be gentle

If you’re still inclined to warn your friend, Anoushka recommends, “Staying open, listening, being present, and asking gentle probing questions where needed.” Essentially, helping your friend come to their own conclusion about who they’re dating will be less damaging and more effective than you accusing their partner of being a gold digger.

The length of time the couple has been together is a key factor as well. Alice* says of a newly-engaged friend: “My friend’s new fiancée is almost 10 years younger than us! At first, it was pretty casual, so no one really thought much about it. But it’s been two years now and he just proposed.” While she wanted to say something at the start, she admits she might take the path of least resistance and just be happy for him.

3 R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ultimately, remember that whatever you choose to say, you need to respect your boundaries. “Keep channels of communication open so your friend feels they can come to you when they have concerns about the relationship and that you’ll be there [for them] in a supportive capacity,” advises Anoushka. If the relationship proceeds and later fails, resist the urge to adopt a self-congratulatory attitude and rub it in your friend’s face that you were right all along. Rather, this is your chance to prove what a good friend you are. No one wants to hear “I told you so” so it’s best to be a listening ear. 

The other side of the story

Anna* used to date a wealthy CEO who was 40 years her senior. “Everyone, even my own friends, accused me of being a gold digger,” she says. “They referred to my boyfriend as my sugar daddy.” Anna admits she was initially attracted to Ben* for his status, but after a few months of casually seeing each other, she realised she actually did like him for who he was, and they ended up dating for over a year. “I might have been attracted to the money [at first], but I could never have stayed in the relationship for that long if I hadn’t liked him to some degree.”

*Names have been changed

Images 123RF.com Text Claire Soong.