Making love last when you’re living in different time zones is way easier said than done. Two readers share their stories.
Making love last when you’re living in different time zones is way easier said than done. Two readers share their stories.
“I felt like I’d become a crazy girlfriend.”
For Eliza, 24, long distance tore her relationship apart.
“Angus and I had been together for two years when I found out he was moving overseas. We were out for dinner when he got up to go to the bathroom. He’d left his phone on the table and a message flashed on the screen. It was from his dad, congratulating him on landing a job in the UK. A wave of dread flooded me and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I felt betrayed and hurt that other people knew before I did, as it was the first time I’d even heard he was thinking about moving away.
When I confronted him back home, he told me there was a 90 percent chance he would take the role, but it wasn’t until weeks later that I would find out he actually already had. We entertained the thought of me joining him, but considering I had a stable job, the idea never came to pass.
The time difference meant it was tough to [keep in touch]. We’d try to check in with each other every morning and night, but it didn’t always work out the way we planned. It was hard, and we both felt the pressure of it weighing heavily on our relationship. We began to snap at each other about things that usually didn’t matter, like a missed Skype date. Not being able to communicate whenever we wanted also made it really difficult to trust each other. I’d see him tagged in photos with other girls on social media and I’d convince myself that he was cheating on me.
After a while, it got so bad that I began obsessing over his Instagram profile. Every chance I’d get, I’d check my feed just to make sure I hadn’t missed any pictures that he’d posted or been tagged in. It was almost as if I was trying to catch Gus out. I felt like I’d morphed into this awful version of myself and I hated it.
Three months in, Gus called me in the middle of the night to say it wasn’t working. While he initiated the breakup, it almost felt like a relief to finally hear him say it was over. I agreed we couldn’t go on the way we had been. We loved each other, but we’d given it our all and it just wasn’t enough.
Gus is still living in the UK and we met up again recently when I was travelling with friends. To be honest, seeing him again finally gave me the closure I needed. But while I know that doing long-distance in the long-term wasn’t sustainable for us, I still can’t help but wonder what might have been if we could’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“Being apart turned out to be the best thing for us.”
Lauren, 25, thinks long distance has only made her relationship stronger.
“My relationship with Brett has always been dictated by distance. We’d only been together for three months before Brett went away to work in the army. He wanted to stay together, but I was a commitment-phobe at heart and although I liked Brett, I wasn’t keen on starting a serious relationship I considered doomed before it had properly begun. Eventually, my feelings got the better of me and we decided to see if we could make it work.
The first few months were the trickiest for both of us, but somehow we found a way to keep the spark alive and make the time apart pass quickly. Brett went above and beyond, flying home every three weeks or surprising me with a flight to come to see him. We’d even write letters back and forth to keep on each other’s minds. We would try to talk once a day, but over time the distance began to really wear on me. I struggled not having the comfort of physical contact with one another. It was making me have doubts about us being together and I’d started to resent his job for forcing him to go away all the time.
One night, he called me out on it. He rang me and accused me of not supporting him enough and I was so angry at the irony of it all that I hung up on him mid-sentence. He texted me to apologise the next morning, but I was still so mad I didn’t respond. It blew over in the end, but it took two full days of screening his calls before I could muster up the courage to even speak to him again. That’s the hardest thing about doing long distance – you never deal with the argument then and there so the fights are always so much worse.
In hindsight, being apart turned out to be the best thing for us. Looking back, some of my favourite memories with Brett were made when we were doing long distance. Like the time I found a love note he’d hidden for me in the pocket of my favourite jacket. Or my birthday one year when he organised all my friends and family to take me out for dinner just so he could turn up to surprise me. It’s memories like these that make it feel like it was all worth it. Yes, it took a while to build up trust and learn not to feel insecure occasionally (especially when one of us would go out drinking with our friends!) but we found that by being open and honest, it got way easier as the years went by.
Brett promised me that we’d both move overseas when he finished up with the army, and having that goal in sight definitely motivated us to keep going. Now, five years on, we’re closer than ever and happily living in London. Would I do it again? I’d never say never.
How to Make an LDR Work
Jessica Lamb, counselor at relationshipsmatter.com.sg, shares her tips.
DON’T LET ARGUMENTS FESTER
“Take time out from each other if you need to, but make sure you agree to talk about the issue again the next day when you are both feeling calmer.”
CREATE A COMMUNICATION SCHEDULE
“Lock in regular times to connect with each other. These should become a routine part of your day that you can both rely on and look forward to.”
