Helping a friend through a crisis? It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. We decode some of he most overused cliches.
Helping a friend through a crisis? It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. We decode some of he most overused cliches.
This year, I found myself unexpectedly thrown into the role of Chief Friend, supporting my pals through various traumas – break ups, cheating boyfriends and sick parents. I learnt bagging the Oscar for Best Supporting Role is no mean feat.
After the 100th time hearing myself utter the heartfelt but somehow flimsysounding cliche, “things will get better with time”, I decided there must be a way to be a better friend without sounding like an old-school agony aunt. “A cliche can lack impact and come across as cold and uncaring,” explains life coach Jayne Morris. “If you are tempted to use one, stop and turn it into a creative question to help your friend process their emotions.” So, with the help of Jayne, psychologist Emma Kenny and Irene S. Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, here’s what to say instead.
1 Cliche: Time is a healer
Code for: You will feel pretty terrible for a while – but not forever. “Reassure her that you will face this together until the hurt subsides,” Emma advises. “This offers a strategy rather than suggesting that time controls our feelings.”
Switch to: “Imagine yourself in five years’ time looking back at this moment. What advice would you give yourself?”
2 Cliche: It’s not you, it’s him
Code for: He’s a doucebag and you are AWESOME! “The truth is, it’s never just him,” insists Emma. “Remind her not to be too hard on herself or to take things too personally,” adds Irene.
Switch to: “You can’t take all the blame. Tell me what he did wrong?”
3 Cliche: What goes around comes around
Code for: Let’s plot revenge on that scumbag! “Suppressing anger is bad for our health,” explains Jayne. “But help her process it in a nondestructive way.”
Switch to: “Let’s take a boxing class!”
4 Cliche: No use crying over spilt milk
Code for: A frankly pointless way of saying “pull yourself together”. Emma suggests explaining that no experience is wasted. “Even when mistakes are made, there are gems in the carnage.”
Switch to: “This is just one of life’s little lessons, so let’s learn stuff from it.”
5 Cliche: Every cloud has a silver lining
Code for: There’s a positive in every negative. “You always learn something about yourself that will help you avoid people or situations like this again,” explains Irene.
Switch to: “At least you’re not wasting your time with him!”
6 Cliche: Take it one step at a time
Code for: Don’t think too far ahead. Patience is key, as is having a starting point to work from, advises Jayne. “What step could you take today to help you start moving forward?” she suggests asking.
Switch to: “Next week can wait. What shall we do today to feel better?”
