Mismatched Sex Drives

Sexual desire is just as much a head game as a physical one. If one of you is less sexually experienced than the other, it can affect interest in sex. In addition, “conditions such as anxiety, depression and attachment disorders can impact sex drive,” adds psychologist Cheong Xinyi. Other physical sexual difficulties can also lead to avoiding sex.

For women, getting turned on can be a com plicated thing. “Issues relating to power and control, or even initiation or routine can negatively affect your sex drive,” says Xinyi. A genuine connection usually means better sex. So emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction go a long way to improving one’s sex drive.

Our work-life balance can also affect our sexual appetite. “Sexual desires are heavily influenced by social, cultural, religious, environmental and contextual factors,” says Xinyi. “Traditional gender roles can heavily influence beliefs about sex. A common one is that men are entitled to sex and should aggressively initiate it, while women should be passive. This can make it difficult for women to communicate their needs equally and openly.” Adds Dr Tse Yeun: “Singaporeans work some of the longest hours worldwide, and this can lead to poor worklife balance. This can impact sexual intimacy and may also delay couples from seeking treatment earlier.”

Differing sex drives doesn’t have to be a huge problem in the relationship, but there’s more to solving the problem than just thinking “I’ll adjust.” Says Xinyi, “The loss of sexual intimacy is usually followed by a more general loss of intimacy. Couples often make seemingly “helpful” adaptations like moving to separate bedrooms. But this usually worsens the problem.”

If your partner has a lower sex drive, it can be harder for him to talk about it. “Men are often not able to share their concerns freely with their partner or healthcare professional as they feel a ‘loss of face’ which affects their sense of manliness,” says Dr Tse Yeun.

Dr Ang Seng Bin of Family Medicine Service says, “How frequent you have sex can vary.” Factors like how long you’ve been together, the quality of your relationship and even your home environment can play a part.

Says Xinyi, “Couples need to communicate concerns and desires in ways that enhance mutual understanding. Being aware of barriers that influence sexual desire, and discussing sexual preferences is a good start.” It’s also important to remember that non-sexual acts of physical intimacy are just as important to maintain physical closeness between a couple. 

Differing sex drives don’t have to be the end of the world. 

Whether you’re the one who wants more sex or the one who’s being asked for it, remember it’s important to respect your partner’s wishes. That doesn’t mean giving in, but it does mean understanding what they want is just as important as what you want.

Talk about what your expectations are and understand what turns you and your partner on or off. It’s good to have an idea at least in theory so there’s something to discuss if anything comes up.

Differing sexual desires are very common. Being rejected by your partner may not always be about you or your attractiveness. Everything from sleep to stress can take its toll so it’s important to be understanding. Also remember it can be just as frustrating for your partner.

It’s always exciting to mix things up a little to get that spark going. Get some new lingerie or book an impromptu staycation. This way, you won’t get stuck in roles you’ve inevitably fallen into.